Encephalo Ray's Comics Manifesto for 2009

This is the time of year when everyone gets the itch to write about the state of comics. The Beat has a great feature (here , here and here) in which comic creators talk about what 2009 holds for the industry. Everyone has an opinion, it seems. So do I. Here is Encephalo Ray’s 13-Point Comics Manifesto for 2009:

1. Ban Twitter. People wonder why so many books are late; the answer is Twitter. Comic creators are so busy Twittering they don’t get any work done. If you banned Wii and sex, you’d get weekly books.
2. Kill all the Flashes. This answers the question over who gets to be the new Flash once and for all: nobody.
3. Shoot a Skrull in the head. Its Skrull-hunting season over at Marvel, where the only good Skrull is a dead Skrull. So if you do see a Skrull, shoot it in the head. And then watch it die.
4. Put Robert Kirkman in the Walking Dead. He’s good at dishing out the punishment; let’s see how well he takes it. Plus, it would stop him from issuing more manifestos about the state of comics.
5. Comic bloggers must die! There’s way too many of us. Cull the herd, via gladiator style fights. People would pay good money to see our epic death-battles.
6. More web comics. So I can sit at my desk at work, snorting and giggling.
7. Break out the time machine: Dark Reign isn’t even a Bush-era story; it’s an Eisenhower-era story. As fun as it is to see comic creators try to tackle social issues, I’m afraid it isn’t their forte. Sometimes you should stick to what you know, i.e.: a swift uppercut to the gut.
8. Stop talking about the Watchmen: It will come out, or it won’t. It will suck, or it won’t.
9. Eat the other Wonder Twin: When the Hell Dog ate Marvin, another fond childhood memory bit the dust. Might as well finish the job.
10. Put the Hostess cupcake/Twinkie/Fruit Pie ads back into comics. These ads featured characters like Spider Man and Doctor Doom fighting over who gets the Twinkies, and were lots of fun.
11. Stop calling comic books graphic novels. There are about a dozen different definitions of a graphic novel, depending on your point of view. Calling them comics eliminates the confusion.
12. Make all comics $4.99. Why not? They’re going to do it anyway, and I would save money by making the switch to trades and digital.
13. No more comic movies: I tell you, the success of Iron Man and Dark Knight has created a beast. That beast will eat itself. And here is the sign by which ye shall know: Howard the Duck 2.