Encephalo Ray

Relaunch

2010-09-18T20:44:00.005-04:00

I am relaunching Encephalo Ray. I've made a few changes in the blog's look, starting with the picture on top. That's the finger of Sean Craven, a good friend of mine. I forgot who owns those legs, and don't know the name of the moth Sean's holding. Sorry.

Encephalo Ray's purpose has changed. It used to be a comic book blog, now it's my personal website. I guess I could buy georgegaluschak.com, but Encephalo Ray sounds cooler. Besides, this way I get to keep the 60+ posts I made.

I will try to blog a few times a week, but make no promises. I moderate all comments, mainly because last year this site was invaded by porn-spewing Asian spambots. If you commented on one of my posts and I never answered, I apologize. I'll do better next time.

I think that's it.

Now I Have a Reason to Update

2009-12-10T08:59:00.003-05:00

Strange Horizons has accepted my short story "Middle Aged Weirdo in a Cadillac."

The story will run in April/May 2010.

My Watchmen review

2009-03-14T10:27:00.004-04:00

Just saw the Watchmen.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

Good first.

I liked the music. I was never bored. I thought the actors were very good. The guys who played Rorschach and Nite Owl nailed it (though I wish Nite Owl was fatter). I'd heard that the woman who played Silk Spectre was awful, but thought she did fine.

OK, that's the good.

So...is Z.S. kidding, or what? Was he trying to make a comedy, or did it just come out that way? There were parts (most having to do w/ Nite Owl's sex life) when I thought I was watching a Woody Allen movie. The violence was so over-the-top it bordered on being campy. And Archy's fiery ejaculations? Give me a break.

My first impression of the movie was right. This is back when I heard that they were making The Watchmen, before any of the pics came out. I thought that it wouldn't work because the characters would look stupid on the screen, and that's what happened. They're way too cartoonish, like the Batman TV show: the biting Moth Guy;the big blue CGI effect that talks like HAL on 2001; Richard Nixon with his Pinocchio nose; and the mighty Ozymandias, whose tiny little head is dwarfed by his ridiculous suit of nippled battle armor.

I hope Z.S. was trying to make a funny movie. Maybe he got confused and thought he was doing satire. My impression is that he would make a great horror movie director. No, that's not fair: I can tell he loves movies, and I must say that technically he's quite good. Maybe he'll make a cinematic classic some day; I don't know about that, but can definitely say that the Watchmen is NOT a cinematic classic.

The dialogue was awful; some of it made me cringe. I know a lot of it came straight from the gn, but they should have changed it. Z.S. took the source material way too literally, and missed the spirit of the gn. Look at the first Dark Knight movie: they changed Batman's origin from the comic book, but still captured the spirit of the character.

They shouldn't have nixed the squid. That was the totally awesome dumbest thing about the movie. Oh, Zack Snyder, why do you think Alan Moore used a squid? Because if he blew up a bunch of cities, like you did, the Americans and Russkies would assume it's a preemptive strike (they're at Defcon One) and let fly the nukes and it would be goodbye, Earth. There's no way they would wait to find out. Would you?

There were about ten people in the theater with me. Some left before the movie ended. I heard laughter, but not in the right places. Mark my words, The Watchmen will go down as a turkey. There's so much hype surrounding it people don't want to believe it's bad. It's like in the 90's when the first Star Wars prequel came out. People knew it was bad, but it took awhile for it to sink in.

Camelot 3000: comics of my lost youth

2009-03-07T12:41:00.013-05:00

The 80’s were a magical time in Northern New Jersey, a decade of hair bands, The Breakfast Club and people driving around in cars with purple lights. For me, of course, it was all about the comics, and the 80’s produced some great material: series like Swamp Thing, JLI, The Suicide Squad, Grimjack and Camelot 3000.

Camelot 3000 came out while I was in high school. I recall this series as being truly awesome, so when I saw the hardcover for sale at B&N ($34.99; cheap!) I bought it and would have done so even if my issues weren’t all read to pieces. The first sign that my childhood memories might be – well, tainted, came from the introduction by Mike W. Barr (the writer). He was pretty honest in his assessment of the series. Nonetheless, I forged on and read the book.

(sound of shattering glass)

Oh, boy. O.K., let me start by saying that Camelot 3000 is very much a product of it’s time, that being the early 80’s. There are references to current events – Star Wars, the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Di, a gun-toting cowboy in the White House (the last sounds strangely familiar...). DC was still experimenting with what would become the Vertigo format; thus the better paper and a smidgen of adult material. The growed-up stuff is rather mild by today’s standards, amounting to PG language, a bit of tame sex and some lovely bare backs & bottoms.

The story is standard sci-fi/superhero/space Western fare. Aliens attack Earth in the year 3000. They hail from the tenth planet, and are led by Arthur’s half-sister Morgan le Fay. King Arthur awakens from his tomb, frees Merlin and reforms the Knights of the Round Table. His knights have all been reincarnated in different bodies. Sir Tristan is reborn as a woman; her lover, Isolde, is also a woman, which means Tristan spends most of the graphic novel sulking about not being a man. Lancelot and Guinevere continue their affair and are not even discreet about it. They are banished from Camelot, another member of the round table betrays Arthur, Merlin gets snatched by a nymph with serious overbite, the Holy Grail comes into play, the knights journey to the tenth planet and things end with a big bang. The end.

Camelot 3000 has flaws. Earth in the year 3000 resembles Earth of the late 20th century, except for flying machines and wondrous gadgets such as the Pro-Bar, which resembles a crowbar with an attached flashlight. The supporting cast is more interesting than the main character by a mile. While I usually complain about the plot not moving fast enough, Camelot 3000 moves too fast. Some interesting bits, like Arthur’s massacre of the infants and the interplay between the knights, are glossed over in favor of less interesting material. Faith in God is treated like a super power – I don’t understand how Lancelot, an adulterer, can use his faith to bring Guinevere back to life, or how Mordred can make the Holy Grail into a suit of armor.

There are some good parts, too. Merlin chews up the scenery and almost steals the show. The riddle of the Holy Grail is well-done, and precedes the very similar scene in the third Indiana Jones movie by a number of years. The test Arthur devises to discover the traitor in his midst is clever and he uses Excalibur in some awesome ways, most notably in the climax. The Knights of the Round Table come from all parts of the globe, and are a diverse lot. Back in the early 80’s diversity in superhero comics didn’t exist; come to think of it, that’s still true today.

But the best thing about Camelot 3000 is the art. Brian Bolland’s art elevates this series. Mike Barr is honest about the fact that he was learning on the job; he also admits that he took his source material a tad too seriously. Brian Bolland’s response was to send him a picture of Merlin holding up a rubber chicken, and the resulting “creative tension” (as Barr put it) between the two made Camelot 3000 a better book.

Brian Bolland can draw anything. As I reread Camelot 3000 I realized that most of my fond memories of this series revolve around the art. Bolland provides much-needed comic relief in the form of visual gags: the happy monkey; the man being skewered on Excalibur, bowler hat perfectly balanced on his head; the weirdness of Merlin’s lab. He also draws women very well; his illustrations of Queen Guinevere/Commander Acton made a big impression on my 14-year old self.

Bottom line: if you can get Camelot 3000 at your local library it is well-worth a read.

Watchmen discussion topics I'll miss

2009-03-05T12:52:00.011-05:00

The Watchmen came out today. Thank God. Now I can finally see the damn thing.

Caleb Mozzocco, the writer of Every Day Is Like Wednesday, talks about how sick he is of hearing about the Watchmen. I disagree. With no more Watchmen hype, what will we talk about? Here are a few of the better Watchmen discussion topics I've seen on the Internet in the past few months.

Doctor Manhattan's dong. First there was the condom kerfluffle. And then came the blog posts analyzing how well he was hung. Now the dong has hypnotic qualities; some people who have seen the movie report being unable to take their eyes off it.

Alan Moore's feelings about The Watchmen movie. Well, he hates it. That's clear enough. He might be happy about the several million copies sold of the Watchmen graphic novel, and all the free publicity he's getting. I will buy League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: 1910 because I read an interview with Moore talking about it.

Squid, or no squid? I think of it more as a post-Lovecraftian pseudopodian nightmare, but what do I know? And for the record: I think taking it out removes the point of the story.

Is the movie faithful to the graphic novel? I've heard people say the movie's not faithful enough; others say it's too faithful. Make up your mind!

Reviewers talking about their feelings about the Watchmen graphic novel. I did this, here, and it's one of those posts I wish I could take back. Brian Michael Bendis sums it up best (via Twitter)- attn movie reviewers: no one- i mean NO ONE gives a shit about your personal relationship to the watchmen GN.

Casting. No clue about that. Aren't all the characters computer-generated nowadays?

What Zach Snyder ate for dinner. Self-explanatory.

Reviewers calling the characters by their first names. I didn't realize how many people were on a first-name basis with The Nite Owl. One reviewer kept referring to a character named Archie, who I never heard of. Turns out he was talking about The Nite Owl's ship. Oh. Is it just me, or is that a bit creepy?

A Watchmen sequel? There will be lots of discussion about this in the upcoming weeks, bet on it.

Is the Watchmen any good? We'll find out.

A site announcement

2009-03-05T08:27:00.005-05:00

The writing process

I wrote a novel a few years ago. I didn’t outline beforehand. Some might call this lazy-ass writing; I called it organic process. It went like this: the characters are alive, I am merely a chronicler. Yes, I know; stop laughing. Thing is it sort of, kind of, definitely worked for me before, always with short stories.

I started writing January 2007. I had a beginning, a vague idea of an end and a bunch of characters. I took those characters off the leash and let them roam; fourteen months and over 1,000 hours later I had 70,000+ words of gibberish. Looking back, I’m amazed at my own naivete. But we all figure things out in our own way.

So I chalked it up as a learning experience, took a year off and now I'm writing another novel. This time I am doing a step outline before I write a word. I will still blog, not because of my huge audience, but because I like doing it. But my production might be erratic. I hope it is, because that means the novel is going well.

That is all.

Graphic novel wish list

2009-02-28T11:31:00.013-05:00

If I had $150 to spare, this is what I'd buy...

The Secret Lives of Comic Book Employees

2009-02-27T07:07:00.007-05:00

Wired has an article about comic book employees, here, which is part of a series that reveals the hidden lives of people you see every day - or in the case of comic book clerks, every Wednesday.

"What better profession to begin with than the comic store employee?" Wired asks. I must confess I never thought about my comic store guy having a life, one way or the other. The last time I saw him he was eating a pizza, and looked pretty happy doing it.

But no matter. This is a long article full of entertaining tidbits, which I am not going to spoil for you. I really like the preview pictures of the interviewees' faces at the top of each page. There is, however, one notable exception. Who are they speaking to on page 15? That isn't a face. Hmmm.

Wired interviews both store owners and employees. The employees give longer, more entertaining answers. The store owners, who spring from such varied career paths as car salesman and ex-convict, say things like 'we love all our customers,' a statement that anyone who has ever worked retail knows to be a lie.

Questions include what's the least nerdy thing about you? What's the worst misconception about comic books and their fans? If you could be any comic book character, who would it be? This last question yielded the best answers. Answers included usual suspects such as Superman, Spider Man and Batman, but one employee said Tom Strong and went into quite a bit of detail about the benefits of having a gorilla sidekick. The store owners all wanted to be Uncle Scrooge.

Wired interviews one woman. She is the youngest of the lot (18); she also has the most sophisticated tastes in comics, referencing Charles Burns, Adrian Tomine and Johnny Ryan rather than Spider Man, Aquaman and Green Lantern. Her statements jive most closely to what I think of as the Comic Book Store Experience, which needs no explanation for people who have set foot in one.

The money quote: comics...tend to attract crazy people.

Enjoy the article!

February pull list

2009-02-26T09:14:00.009-05:00

Agents of Atlas: The first issue took me more than five minutes to read, which is either a good sign or a bad sign. Haven't decided which, yet. Status: on the bubble.

Avengers: The Initiative: Hate the art and the ensemble cast is wearing thin. Only a matter of time before this is cancelled, anyway; sorry, Christos Gage. Status: dropped.

Captain Britain and MI:13: I have a bad feeling that this series has already been cancelled, and Marvel just isn't telling anybody. Status: keeper

Dark Avengers: I say such terrible things about Brian Michael Bendis, so now I'll say something nice: this is pretty good. Status: keeper.

Deadpool: Tried this in January; dropped it in February. That was fast! Status: gone like the wind.

Guardians of the Galaxy: I like this series so much I will buy War of Kings, minus the crappy tie-ins. Status: keeper.

Hexed: Reading this mini-series online; feel like I'm cheating, somehow. Status: keeper.

Hulk: Yeah, why not? Status: keeper.

Incredible Hercules: Didn't like the last storyline, and the current issue costs $3.99 and is mostly filler. If it happened more than 2,000 years ago, who cares? Still: the coyote story is fun. Status: keeper.

Invincible Iron Man: Lots of plot; MacGuffins galore! Status: on the bubble.

Mighty Avengers: The second issue of Dan Slott's Mighty Avengers run is choppy, confusing and garbled. Is Marvel overworking Dan Slott? Status: dropped.

New Avengers: Just so you know...this issue cost five bucks. I picked it up because of the advertised New Avengers vs. Dark Avengers throwdown, which didn't happen. Status: dropped.

Outsiders: One and done! Status: like a hot potato.

Secret Six: Will buy, if anyone survives the first storyline. Status: keeper.

Secret Warriors: I liked this, but don't see how they got away from the Sentry so easily. Doesn't he have the power of a thousand exploding suns? Status: keeper.

Thunderbolts: After a few hiccups, this series has settled down nicely. Status: keeper.

Alan Moore interview

2009-02-24T07:03:00.007-05:00

Wired has an interview with Alan Moore. Click here. It's called "Legendary Comics Writer Alan Moore on Superheroes, The League, and Making Magic." I skimmed it last night; here are some interesting bits.

Alan Moore on the advent of the graphic novel:

"I think there were a surprising number of people out there who secretly longed to keep up with the adventures of Green Lantern but who felt they would have been socially ostracized if they had been seen reading a comic book in a public place. With the advent of books like Watchmen, I think these people were given license by the term graphic novel. Everybody knew that comics were for children and for intellectually subnormal people, whereas graphic novel sounds like a much more sophisticated proposition."

Alan Moore on his hopes for The Watchmen:

"At the time I thought that a book like Watchmen would perhaps unlock a lot of potential creativity, that perhaps other writers and artists in the industry would see it and would think, "This is great, this shows what comics can do. We can now take our own ideas and thanks to the success of Watchmen we'll have a better chance of editors giving us a shot at them." I was hoping naively for a great rash of individual comic books that were exploring different storytelling ideas and trying to break new ground."

Alan Moore on The Watchmen's influence:

"Instead it seemed that the existence of Watchmen had pretty much doomed the mainstream comic industry to about 20 years of very grim and often pretentious stories that seemed to be unable to get around the massive psychological stumbling block that Watchmen had turned out to be, although that had never been my intention with the work."

Alan Moore on comic book readers (me):

"They're being bought in many cases by hopeless nostalgics or, putting the worst construction on it, perhaps cases of arrested development who are not prepared to let their childhoods go, no matter how trite the adventures of their various heroes and idols."

Alan Moore on ABC Comics:

"I wanted to show different ways that mainstream comics could viably have gone, that they didn't have to follow Watchmen and the other 1980s books down this relentlessly dark route. It was never my intention to start a trend for darkness...I didn't want to spark off another wave of frankly miserable stories about psychotic vigilantes battling it out with equally psychotic villains. I wanted to do stuff that had a fresher feel to it, had a bit of a morning atmosphere."

Alan Moore on film adaptations of his book:

"I've never watched any of the adaptations of my books. I've never wanted to, and there's absolutely no chance of me doing so in the future. So I haven't really suffered through them...My books are still the same books as they were before they were made into films. The books haven't changed. I'm reminded of the remark by, I think it was Raymond Chandler, where he was asked about what he felt about having his books "ruined" by Hollywood. And he led the questioner into his study and showed him all the books there on the bookshelf, and said, Look—there they all are. They're all fine. They're fine. They're not ruined. They're still there. And I think that's pretty much the attitude I take."

Alan Moore on League of Extraordinary Gentlemen:

"Given that we've got the whole world of fiction from the beginning until the end of time as our playground and given that we've got potentially every character that's ever existed somewhere in the offstage cast of our novel, then I think Kevin and I, we've certainly got an awful lot of ideas of things we can do in the future with The League. I don't think we're going to run out of possibilities for a considerable amount of time."

Alan Moore on what he's doing now:

"Jerusalem, this enormous novel I'm working on, which I'm two-thirds of the way through and it's already got to be somewhere around 1,500 pages, it's something that could only be done as a novel—and as an incredibly long novel."

Where can I buy a copy of this?

2009-02-23T07:51:00.003-05:00

Image from Here Comes Madness.

Yen Plus

2009-02-20T21:41:00.016-05:00

Yen Press was giving these away at Comic Con. I am not a huge manga fan, but have read quite a bit because when I reviewed for KLIATT that's all they sent me. I read lots and lots of manga, to the point where it felt like my head might explode.

I spent a few hours reading this nice, thick volume, and am pleased to announce that my head did not explode. In fact: I liked most of the stories.

We have an introduction written by someone named Otaku Pimp, which has nothing to do with anything else in this volume. Otaku Pimp is twenty something years old and says he wants to be a real pimp; he is preparing for this by playing a dating video game. Since pimps sometimes get beat up he is playing a fighting video game to sharpen his fighting skills. Actually, it seems like all Otaku Pimp does is play video games, but at least he's honest. It will be interesting to watch the trajectory of his career arc, whatever he decides to do.

After two pages of fan art (in color), we come to the stories. This volume is divided into two sections: manhwa (Korean comics) and manga (Japanese comics). The manhwa reads left to right, the manga right to left.

MANHWA

James Patterson's Maximum Ride

Someone stop James Patterson before he writes again. Nice art, though. The interview with the artist, Narae Lee, is worth reading. She is 22 years old and went to a manhwa high school, which I'm guessing is like a trade school.

The Pig Bride

This awesome manga is about a romance between a boy and The Pig Bride, a girl who wears a pig mask. Why does she wear a pig mask? Well, ~~there's this curse~~ ~~I don't know~~ because she's The Pig Bride. In this episode the boy takes a shower, and when he reaches for a towel a fully-clothed Pig Bride hands it to him! The boy blushes; The Pig Bride might be blushing, too, but we can't tell because of the mask. And then other people walk into the locker room and the boy and The Pig Bride hide in the shower together!! Why are they hiding? Does it matter? This is my favorite story by a wide margin.

Sarasah

The main character gets pushed down a flight of stairs, ends up in the afterlife and is transported back to the past, where she's surrounded by people in medieval clothing. Everyone is so unearthly beautiful its scary.

The Royal Palace Goong

Royal bastards; the main character has to marry one of them. Did not like.

One Fine Day

Makes no sense at all.

Time and Again

This tale of a traveling exorcist and his bodyguard is quite good. The bodyguard is brave and noble; the traveling exorcist drinks too much and climbs a tree at the first hint of danger. This excerpt features a sword-wielding rat and a couple who don't want their child to die young.

Nightschool

Supernatural manhwa about a girl, looking for her sister. A bit confusing, but may have just been the episode.

Jack Frost

The setting is Amityville - as in Long Island? The main character is beheaded in a preceding volume, but is now ok. Most of the first half of the story is taken up by a talkative lady in a bathtub. I am sorry to report that Blood Pirate Avid, one of the listed characters, does not make an appearance.

MANGA

Nabari No Ou

Ninja manga. One of the characters is an old guy who makes a fool of himself; felt bad for him.

Soul Eater

One of the characters has a giant screw shoved through the side of his head. He and a living scythe fight a guy with exploding blood and a soul-eating sword that shouts abuse at its host. Really, really strange; my favorite, after the Pig Bride.

Sumomomo, Momomo

Girl in gym shorts beats the hell out of 42 year old teacher, who is portrayed as a foolish old man. Newsflash: 42 is not old! I just turned 40, so I should know.

Bamboo Blade

This one is about some sort of club where the girls hit each other with sticks for fun. Not my cup of tea.

Hero Tales

The author of Fullmetal Alchemist did the art and possibly the story, which has to do with the Big Dipper and looks to be quite complex. Finish FMA before you start something else!

Does the world really need another Outsiders reboot?

2009-02-20T06:50:00.010-05:00

What is this, the fifth or six reboot of The Outsiders? What's the point? You've got the JLA and the JSA to save the world. You've got The Suicide Squad and The Secret Six for black ops. Want young superbeings in love? Read Teen Titans (two books). What is The Outsider's vision statement? Don't laugh, it's important.

Oh, here it is: "You will basically be a frontline combat unit constantly within a field of fire." Which means: off the grid. No Twitter. No trips to the Shake Shack. You can't see your friends or loved ones for months at a time.

The problem with that: it's stupid. This is an idea only a ten-year old or Batman would come up with. It does not take human nature into account. It's taking your resources and sticking them on a griddle till they fry. It's being a garbageman 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There's always going to be trash. If you really wanted to base a team on this concept you would have 60 or 70 members, which you would rotate in and out, and you'd still have an astronomical burnout rate.

Wow, I ranted. Why did I buy the issue, you ask? Good question. I am one of the few people on earth who read Steve Nile's Creeper miniseries, which I liked. He's on the team: The Creeper, not Steve Niles. And hey, I loved Mike W. Barr's original Outsiders series; most of his original team are on this team.

Plus, there's a chubby guy in an owl costume, so maybe the Comedian will make an appearance.

I don't like the Watchmen

2009-02-18T07:29:00.009-05:00

SPOILER ALERT

I read The Watchmen for the first time over twenty years ago. I still have the graphic novel on my bookshelf - it's not in the best of shape, true, but it’s still readable. BTW: this post is not about bringing the love. Yes, The Watchmen is awesome. You will get no argument about that from me. I maybe probably definitely don’t know if I will see the movie.

The Watchmen is not my favorite work by Alan Moore. That would be his run on Swamp Thing, which I started reading my sophomore year in high school. Before that, I didn’t have a clue how good comics could be; I didn’t know that they could be art. But that’s another story.

I did not buy the individual issues of The Watchmen when they came out. Don’t remember why not. Best guess: I’ve never liked alternate universe stories, so I passed. I did buy the graphic novel. I was in college, then. It made an impression. Yes, it did: must have read that puppy twenty-five times.

I even showed it to people who didn’t read comics, like my college roommate. His reaction: wow, that’s depressing. I got mad at him, because I just adored The Watchmen. Totally. The ideas in this book were all BIG ideas. Thinking about it made my head hurt.

Nietzsche. The Ubermensch is in there – the lonely, despised genius who transcends morality. The Watchmen has four of them: Ozymandias, who saves the world; Rorschach, who destroys it; The Comedian, who laughs at it; and Dr. Manhattan, who sits back and watches.

I totally bought into The Watchmen’s worldview. You know: people are scum. To be honest: the idea of the Ubermensch and the whole ‘people are scum’ concept are linked. You can’t have one without the other. At the time I didn’t think about whether that kind of viewpoint was, you know, healthy.

Let me be clear: The Watchmen did not mess up my head, because my head was already messed up. What it did do was crystallize certain ideas I already had. A person who bought into this graphic novel’s message as deeply as I did is at least one of the following: a) sheltered, b) lonely, c) depressed, d) an English major; I was all of the above.

I paid for it. The four or five years after college were the worst years of my life. That wasn’t the Watchmen’s fault; it was my fault. It took me longer than you might think to realize that there are no Ubermensch, lonely or otherwise, and that people are just people: some good, some bad, most both good and bad. So that’s ok.

But prejudices remain: I am sick of hearing about how brilliant The Watchmen is. The only person more sick about hearing about The Watchmen than me is Alan Moore. Maybe that doesn’t make a lot of sense. Look at it this way: when you hear the same thing over and over again it gets annoying, doesn’t it? I’ve heard about how great The Watchmen is for the past twenty years. Yes, it’s great. Move on, why don’t you?

They didn’t stop making comics after The Watchmen, did they? Alan Moore didn’t stop writing; he wrote all sorts of things, some good (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), some not so good (From Hell). If you asked Alan Moore what work he’d want to be remembered for, his answer would be interesting.

I am not convinced that he would say The Watchmen.

Encephalo Ray Goes to the Movies: Coraline

2009-02-16T18:14:00.006-05:00

I wasn't expecting much from this movie. Last week a bunch of bloggers I read said they were going to see Coraline, and they all sounded really excited. The next day they were like - yeah, it was good. Not great, just good. The excitement was gone.

I do not consider myself to be a NGG (Neil Gaiman groupie). Yes, I like his stuff; yes, I know Sandman is brilliant; no, I don’t want to go on a pilgrimage to his house. I like cartoons, and the Coraline graphic novel made my fabled top ten list of 2008, so I was going to see this.

I went on President’s Day, figuring the theater would be empty. I arrived at the movie theater at five minutes to noon, congratulating myself on my slick planning, and found it to be stuffed full of children. Oh yeah, the schools get President’s Day off. It’s been awhile since I was a kid, so I forgot.

Coraline is in 3D, which meant donning silly-looking glasses. I don't like such gadgetry; my last experience was 'Smell-o-Vision,' a scratch and sniff card given out during the screening of John Water’s Polyester. BTW: many of today's horror movie creators owe a debt of gratitude to John Waters that they can never repay. He truly paved the way. Back to the review.

By the time the lights dimmed I was surrounded by an army of children. We watched a preview of a bunch of cartoons: my favorites were Monsters vs. Aliens and something called 9, which stars ~~Frodo Baggins~~ Elijah Woods. And then the movie started.

I noted that the girl who voices Coraline, Dakota Fanning, was also in My Neighbor Totoro, which is one of my favorite movies. The kids settled down – they were quieter than a crowd of adults of the same size would be. I felt better. Maybe it would be all right.

The movie Coraline makes changes to the graphic novel, including introducing a brand new character, Wybie, whom I was prepared to dislike. But he fit right in. I enjoyed my 3D viewing experience; no headache. The movie looks great, and I loved the prologue (also new). The Other Mother looks nice enough at first, but that soon changes; her final form made the kid next to me hide her eyes.

Coraline drips with vivid, surreal imagery. The part that got the biggest laugh was the theatre scene featuring a costumed Miss Forcible and Miss Spink, attended by Coraline, Wybie and about a thousand dogs. The spectacle of two nearly naked old ladies (one with enormous bosoms) hamming it up caused the movie theater to erupt into near pandemonium.

Coraline's parents are edgy; her mother is sardonic, her father is just plain weird. Coraline herself is - how do I put this? – the technical term is ‘little wisenheimer.’ Roger Ebert comments on this in his review, here, but misses the point. There is no way a sweet, lovable child would survive this movie. Coraline's ornery attitude makes her strong, and enables her to believably stand up to The Other Mother. It also gives her more of a personality than she had in the graphic novel (please note that I did not read the book).

Was Coraline scary? Not to me, really, and I am notorious for jumping and shrieking during horror movies. I did jump, once. Some of the younger kids were definitely scared. They cut the basement scene with the Other Father, which I thought to be the scariest part of the graphic novel.

Coraline could have been much scarier, but then it wouldn't be a kid's movie. This may be the problem the NGG had with the movie. It would be, frankly, sadistic. Since a great deal of material intended for children is sadistic, I’m surprised but gladdened they didn’t go there. I watched Pinocchio as a child, and the scene where the hooded men put the children in cages burned a black hole in my memory that remains to this day.

Did I like Coraline? Yes. Would I see it again? You bet.

Gosh, getting kicked in the teeth sure does hurt: 100 Bullets and the Writer's Persona

2009-02-13T22:03:00.020-05:00

Pretend you're him.

You were hired by a guy to find another guy, and you do, but then you get into a car accident that messes up your face something awful. When you're in the hospital this other guy tells you that the accident wasn't an accident, and that the guy who set it up is the same guy who hired you. When you confront the guy who hired you he's been murdered, so you find the guy he hired you to find, who tells you he don't know nothing.

All clear so far? Good.

Next: this woman walks into your office.

She wants you to find the man she claims is her lover, who looks like this:

Guess what he's about to do with the dollar bill. Oh, he's also the guy the dead guy hired you to find.

Do you:

a) ~~tell her to get out of your office.~~
b) ~~call the police, who will be very interested.~~
c) ~~tail her, hoping she will lead you out of this confusing mess.~~
d) haggle about your rates. - BINGO!

I like 100 Bullets. There's a lot about this series to like. I hope The Counterfifth Detective was just a bump on the road, because my short plot synopsis does not do justice to the morass of cliches and head-spinning plot points that make up the bulk of this volume.

I hope that's what Azzarello & Risso meant it to be. It's possible. Milo (the main character) is confused; he's not who he believes he is to begin with, and the auto accident messed him up even further. Milo thinks he's a tough, hard-drinking P.I., so he acts like a tough, hard-drinking P.I., and in the end he pays for it. If The Counterfifth Detective is a statement on identity and the perils of over-identification, then bravo! It's brilliant. Of course it could just be a confusing morass of cliches. Don't know.

What I do know: reading the Counterfifth Detective brings home the fact that most crime fiction is about as realistic as your average fantasy or science-fiction novel. Science fiction/fantasy might be more realistic; they play with made-up worlds, true, but they're made-up worlds with fairly stringent rules.

Consider this:

If you get hit in the back of the head, you will not wake up hours later with a goose egg. You will slip into a coma and die.
Number of people fast enough to knock a gun from a burly thug's hand and not get shot: ZERO.
If you say things like the gun was loaded, and so was I people will laugh at you.
If you are drunk before noon on a weekday, you aren't a gumshoe. You are an alcoholic.
A scumbag with a gun is every bit the equal of the hero. If that scumbag knows how to shoot straight, then probably more so.
If a person gets into a fight with two (or more) people, ninety-nine times out of a hundred he will lose. Badly.
If the cops find out you left a murder scene you will be arrested. If they find out you left a murder scene and lied about it, you will go to jail.

Which brings me to the writer's persona. Many writers have the same problem as Milo. The Counterfifth Detective has an introduction, written by a somebody called Rob Elder. Here's the most interesting line: No, I don't read introductions either. Sit the **** down.

What effect is Mr. Elder going for here? Why is he talking like a tough-as-nails gumshoe? Does he think laying down the smack will intrigue people, or make them read his introduction because they're scared he'll beat them up? Is Elder a tough guy, or is he just channeling a tough guy?

Forgive me if I'm skeptical: as kids, writers were the ones crying because the big, mean kid stole their lunch money. Upon paid publication a wondrous transformation occurs: authors who write crime fiction become Sam Spade. Mystery writers don trenchcoats and fedora hats and post the photos on their websites. Patricia Cornwell says 'I am Scarpetta' and nobody blinks. Stephen King acts like Uncle Fester on his book tours and wonders why critics don't take him seriously.

Writers are sponges. They identify with their characters; sometimes they over-identify. Results vary. Whether The Counterfifth Detective works or not it's worth a read, because it brings up these very issues.

Racist Dracula?

2009-02-12T12:08:00.011-05:00

First things first: everybody should buy Captain Britain and MI:13. We want this series to be around for a long, long time.

My capsule review of Issue #10, in two words: great job. There are mad-scientist vampires, Doctor Doom talking snark to Dracula, half the team getting hammered and Black Knight & Faiza Hussain's first lover's quarrel - they're taking things backwards and doing the quarreling before the loving. And Peter Wisdom is a much less creepy drunk than I thought he'd be.

My only quibble...

I didn't like the part where Doctor Doom lectures Dracula on racism. There are two continuity-based reasons for this: 1) I read a bunch of back issues of "Tomb of Dracula" (abbreviation: ToD) and don't recall Dracula singling out Moslems for hate. It might be there, but I didn't read those issues. 2) The only person more prejudiced than Dracula is Doctor Doom (who I'm not going to talk about since this entry is about Dracula).

I am not comfortable with the concept of a 'racist Dracula.' My own reading of the Marvel Dracula is that he hates anyone not named Dracula, but that's just my opinion. There are precedents for Dracula being racist: in T0D he refers to Blade as 'black' and 'the black.' And since Dracula spent much of his mortal life in conflict with Islam it makes sense that he might nurse a grudge.

However: Dracula is a great villain. Or he should be. Anyone whose goal is to gather a host of the undead and conquer the world has to think big. This is not to say Dracula can't be petty. There is a wonderful scene in an issue of ToD, where Dracula and Abraham Van Helsing fight. The battle ends in a stalemate; afterwards, Dracula snatches up the urn containing the ashes of Van Helsing's daughter and smashes it to the ground. He then makes his exit, cackling gleefully.

It's a petty gesture; but petty in a grand, villainous way, not petty in a some-guy-sitting-in-a-bar-mouthing-racial-stereotypes way. I guess it comes down to the fact that a racist Dracula is way too human for my liking, and Dracula hasn't been human for over 500 years. I get that there's a trend in comics towards humanizing the heroes, which is great. But be careful humanizing the villains.

Finally: I sensed the author's voice in that scene, speaking to me, taking me out of the story. This is an entirely personal reaction: the author should have his say, of course, but it wasn't as...organic as I would have liked, if that makes any sense.

Anyway.

How will giving Hexed away make Boom Studios any money?

2009-02-12T07:33:00.023-05:00

Hexed #2

Read the issue here, and then come back.

Pretty good, huh? The idea of a supernatural P.I./thief/bounty hunter/whatever isn't new, but I like the way that Michael Nelson (writer) and Emma Rios (art) present the material. You've got demonic teddy bears; the heroine (Lucifer) scuba-diving in a corpse; a cat playing with the McGuffin, which looks just like a cat-toy; and someone losing a nose.

Also: I think Lucifer is a great character. We don't know much about her, or what she's capable of. I get the feeling she doesn't know what she's capable of, herself; she's certainly willing to get her hands (and teeth) dirty. I love characters like that, because you don't know what they will do.

So yes, I am digging Hexed, but I wonder how giving it away will make Boom Studios any money. I can see letting folks read the first issue free, but the whole thing? I'm not being snarky, I just don't get it. I bought the first issue at the comic book store, but that's before I realized I could read it online. Will I buy the rest of the issues? Well...I'm talking about the series, so that's good, right? Would I buy other Hexed mini-series, if they weren't available free online? Yes, I would.

Here's an idea: how about paying a monthly subscription fee that gives you access to new titles online? Yes I know people do it illegally; people download music illegally also, and the music industry still makes money. It might work. 10,000 or so comics later, the joy of collecting individual issues has faded for me. I do it mostly out of habit and for fear that series I like will be cancelled. But I'm perfectly willing to view the material online. Why doesn't somebody try it?

Any ideas?

Stripped to the Bone Graphic Novel Review: Scalped

2009-02-11T07:23:00.007-05:00

Warning: this review contains spoilers.

Scalped is a crime thriller set in South Dakota in the Prairie Rose Indian Reservation. The main character is licensed bad-ass Dashiell “Dash” Bad Horse, who returns to the reservation after 15 years. Dash gets into a scuffle with the goons of tribal leader Red Crow, who is so impressed by Dash’s head-stomping skill-set that he makes him a cop. Red Horse needs the extra muscle, what with the opening of the new casino.

Dash soon sees some familiar faces. His mother, Gina, is an Indian activist who hasn’t spoken to her son in years. She isn’t happy with his new career choice, to put it mildly. Dash’s childhood sweetheart, Carol, is now married – sort of – and has a full-time career as a drunk. She’s also Red Crow’s daughter. Dash’s FBI supervisor, Agent Nitz, has a hard-on for Red Crow & Dash’s mom, and is using Dash as a sort of human battering ram.

Huh? Oh, that’s right: Dash is an undercover FBI agent. Since this information can be gleaned by reading the back cover of the graphic novel, it isn’t much of a revelation. That’s the basic set-up. What happens next is not unexpected: sex and violence and evil doings. The material is stripped down to the bone. With 100 Bullets there is a briefcase with a magic gun. With Scalped you have to settle for a gang of deformed meth addicts, in a twisted parody of superhero comics.

First volumes are usually tough reads because there is a lot of set-up, but Scalped jumps right out of the gate. There is oodles of graphic sex and violence. The violence isn’t realistic: Dash seems invulnerable, like Superman. Nobody is that much of a bad-ass. The meth head gun fight is ridiculous; you have to be totally incompetent to not even hit the guy. Some of the dialogue is pretty over the top, also: “beat that acid-throwing pussy with a pump handle…when you’re burying his ass alive…this ain’t my dick you’re feelin’, chief.” And then there’s the swearing. Yes, some of it is really creative, but there’s too much of it. Why not include some other dialogue?

What makes Scalped real are the characters – they’re angry; they’re damaged; they’re real. For me, the most sympathetic is Red Crow. He is in love with Gina and gives Dash a job, which is a plain act of kindness. Red Horse acts like he cares about Dash. Why? Well, maybe it’s that soft spot he has for Dash’s mother, or maybe he’s Dash’s father. He sure does his best to keep Dash away from his daughter.

Scalped is a really well-done graphic novel; it’s also really depressing. Unless these characters change it’s going to be hard to give a shit about them. This is an unfortunate by-product of aging (if you don’t know what I mean, you’ll just have to wait and see): ten years ago I would have eaten this series up. As it is, I will be reading future volumes. Recommended.

What I bought at Comic Con

2009-02-10T07:40:00.021-05:00

WHY I BOUGHT THEM:

Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life. Because everybody seems to adore this series, and I don't like feeling left out.

Scalped: Indian Country. Because it's a Western with NO supernatural elements, and I heard it was really good.

100 Bullets: The Counterfifth Detective. Because I'm collecting the series, and Volume 5 comes after Volume 4.

Miss Don't Touch Me: Because it's got murders, brothels, evil sex and it's not Nancy Drew.

I wanted to buy this but didn't have the $$$

Sorry; maybe next year!

New York Comic-Con: The Aftermath

2009-02-09T08:23:00.011-05:00

Actual bag!

Items found in Strand tote bag this morning:

One New York Comic-Con weekend badge.
One New York Comic-Con program, with Green Lantern Corps cover.
One round Pulse of Power chest pin, from Dabel Brothers booth.
Three Eosbooks postcards, featuring titles such as Jailbait Zombie and Blood Blade. I must have passed the Eos Booth three times.
Two TeaTime at Starbucks coupons. Not sure where I got these.
One New York Comic-Con map.
One After Dark Horrorfest 2008 sticker with scary face.
One Hanged Man sticker, also from After Dark Films booth. I put this on my Strand bag, just for kicks.
One Meet Artist Susan Heidi postcard. Susan Heidi handed this to me, I guess.
One Justice For Hire postcard, starring man in headlock.
Two Radical Comics comic books, full of pretty pictures.
One yellow plastic Dark Horse shopping bag. When I asked for one the guy gave me a dirty look.
One Issue #0 of Bone Orchard, from Blazing World Media. Ready or not, the world is getting another supernatural Western.
One Grimm Fairy Tales postcard, starring slinky women in lingerie. From Zenescope booth.
One Zuda Online postcard, starring alligator in police lineup.
One Soul Exodus postcard. Their motto: "Live to Make Tomorrow."
One full-page Chaos Isle Zombi Deck ad, starring Zombies!
One Are You There God? It's Me, Manga title list. A must for all library presentations.
One Web474.Com pen. At last, something practical!
One Issue #3 The Human Race DC comic book. Never heard of it. Here's an idea: why not give out Issue #1?
One Wanted: Dead or Alive poster from High Moon Comics. If I never see another supernatural Western I'll be happy.
One Midtown Comics postcard, good for 25% off. Didn't use this.
One Blood Rider: Tales of a Vampire Gunslinger postcard. Yeargghhhh!
One Vertigo Double Shot comic. Liked House of Mystery, didn't like Young Liars.
One Temporary Tattoos vampire puncture marks sticker. Have no idea where I got this.
One pair of Dr. Shroud plastic fangs. Ditto.
One Guerillas sticker from Image, starring Commando Gorilla.
One Let the Right One In horror movie poster, starring androgynous youth with blood on face.
One Misadventures of Electrolyte postcard. This looks to be an ad for vitamin water, but it's so strange I'm not sure.
One Prophecy of the Sisters pamphlet, with exclusive first chapter and more temporary tattoos.
One Captain Marvel Culture.com pamphlet. The money quote: "the public is ready for, eager for, and needs this book."
One Mexico Vacation Awareness.com pamphlet. They were distributing these outside. Looking at this makes me want to hide in my apartment.
One Yen Press previews booklet. Nice and heavy; full of art and stories; wins 'the best item in my tote bag' award!

Next: Books!

New York Comic Con: All You Need to Know About Day Two

2009-02-08T12:49:00.002-05:00

SENSORY OVERLOAD: 3:53 P.M., FEBRUARY 7TH, 2009.

New York City Comic Con: Day One

2009-02-07T06:49:00.006-05:00

9:35 A.M.: Weehawken, NJ. When I buy a cup of coffee from the concession stand the guy hands me the wrong change. I tell him and he gives me a free bagel.
9:40 A.M.: Get onto ferry, and then shuttle bus.
9:55 A.M.: Javits Center. Line stretches to back of building.
10:00 A.M.: standing on the very back of the line with an Exhibitor. He's mad because he has to stand on line. We all agree it wasn't like this last year. Most people play with their cell phones.
10:10 A.M.: A girl wearing a Comic-Con t-shirt passes and the Exhibitor says: I shouldn't have to stand on this line. Woman in Comic Con shirt shrugs and smiles.

10:15 A.M.: Woman talking on cell phone walks past. Says: this ain't no ****** anime convention. This is Comic Con! Murmurs of agreement from crowd.

10:20 A.M.: Guy wearing a Comic-Con t-shirt walks past. Exhibitor: I shouldn't have to stand on this line, you know. Guy: mutters something indecipherable.

10:25 A.M.: Man dressed as Green Lantern passes. He's wearing a Green Lantern t-shirt, a bright green party mask and white gloves that stretch past his elbows. I almost ask him what sector he's from but am afraid he will answer me.

10:30 A.M.: Exhibitor exhibiting signs of heavy stress.

10:35 A.M.: I read my Official Comic Con guide. There's a panel on Saturday, "Working for Wizard Magazine." I wonder out loud if this panel is about how to get laid off. This gets a few laughs.

10:40 A.M.: Somebody asks if this is the line for Exhibitors/Professionals. I say I hope so, but for all I know it could be the line to the bathroom. Nobody laughs, because it's too close to the truth.

10:45 A.M.: I eat the bagel: cinammon raisin, too much butter. I think I can see the end of the line.

10:50 A.M.: I get my badge. Comic Con at last!

10:51 A.M.: Start walking.

12:15 P.M.: Sit. Tired. Bag full of Comic Con loot.

12:20 P.M.: Lunch. Chicken sandwich plus bottle of water equals $12.00. They ought to hoist a pirate flag over that concession booth.

12:45 P.M.: First panel of the day. Manga as an Extension of Young Adult Literature: Are You There God? It's Me, Manga. Long title.

12:47 P.M.: People are taking out notebooks and pens. Good Lord, they're taking notes? Are they kidding?

12:48 P.M.: Presentation starts.

12:53 P.M.: Presenters bash superhero comics. That didn't take long.

12:58 P.M.: Presenters still talking, but am not listening. Still smarting over super hero bashing.

1:05 P.M.: So...I should stock boy's love manga (not yaoi) to give my female teens the opportunity to "contemplate, and thus experiment with, a wider range of sexual identities than usually afforded by young adult fiction." Interesting, but will it fly with the Library Board?

1:07 P.M.: Woman knitting two rows ahead of me. I can't tell what, because she's just started: it's a green something.

1:18 P.M.: Presentation ends. I tell the presenters I enjoyed it, manfully resisting the urge to comment on their super-hero bashing.

1:23 P.M.: Stand on line to go to the bathroom and another line to buy a $3.00 coffee.

1:58 P.M.: Waiting for the Marvel: War of Kings panel to start. I'm surrounded by fellow comic book fans; my people. I take a deep breath; no wait, maybe that's not such a good idea.

2:03 P.M.: Marvel Panel kicks off. Editor Bill Rosemann pulls off his flannel shirt and shouts 'let the first Marvel panel begin!' Hoots, cat-calls from crowd. Knitting woman nowhere to be seen.

2:04 P.M.: Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning aren't here and they're the ones writing the damn books!

2:08 P.M.: Christos Gage, who looks thrilled to be part of the panel, doesn't know the name of the new title he's writing.

2:13 P.M.: One of the Marvel editors sleeps with his Nova action figures; another has finger puppets. This is better than I hoped for.

2:26 P.M.: Andy Schmidt, the editor behind the original Annihilation, comes to the stage. He works for IDW now.

2:45 P.M.: Panel opens for questions.

2:48 P.M.: Question of the panel: When will you bring back Wendell Vaughan, the original Quasar? FYI: Wendell is dead. Marvel editors tell story of obsessed W. Vaughan fan who sent them a large sheet cake topped with Quasar's image. Marvel editors eagerly devoured cake, even though they knew it might be poisoned. It wasn't.

3:05 P.M.: See my ex-roommate, who works for DC Comics. Chat for a few minutes.

3:30 P.M.: Next panel: Zuda Online. Lots of people onstage.

3:33 P.M.: They're a scruffy looking bunch.

3:35 P.M.: Technical difficulties. Moderator asks audience if they have any questions. Dead silence from audience, never a good sign.

3:38 P.M.: Panel starts. Moderator describes online comics, which look pretty good.

3:40 P.M.: Another supernatural Western? Yeesh!

3:48 P.M.: Moderator uses PC to hook up guy from Australia, who just woke up, onto big screen. He looks like the guy who played Wolverine in X-men. Lots of laughs from crowd.

3:58 P.M.: Q & A.

4:07 P.M.: Moderator says people submit comics with a pair of stick figures talking. Dean Haspiel says don't laugh, that's what Harvey Pekar does (Haspiel has worked with Pekar).

4:25 P.M.: Guy from Australia pretends to pick nose on big screen.

4:28 P.M.: Panel ends. Well, that was fun.

4:30 P.M.: Marvel: Dark Reign panel snakes around building. No way.

4:32 P.M.: Back upstairs, for more Comic Con fun.

5:32 P.M.: Exhausted; must sit.

5:44 P.M.: Waiting for Vertigo: Tales from The Edge panel to begin.

5:46 P.M.: More technical snafus.

5:47 P.M.: Brian Azzarello arrives late. Wow, he's got a great beard.

5:50 P.M.: Vertigo panel starts. Moderator introduces everyone but herself.

5:53 P.M.: Peter Milligan talks about writing Hellblazer, a title older than Methuselah. When moderator asks how many people read Hellblazer three people raise their hands. Milligan: I'm very disappointed in all of you.

5:57 P.M.: Moderator has bad habit of switching slides back and forth while panelists are talking. Maybe it's a nervous tic?

6:02 P.M.: Someone in audience tells guy talking on cell phone to take it outside. Cheers, applause from crowd.

6:05 P.M.: This panel shouldn't be boring, yet it is.

6:12 P.M.: Talking about 100 Bullets. Brian Azzarello gets feisty.

6:15 P.M.: Vertigo comics are going to cost $1.00. Moderator pleads with audience to buy individual issues "because it will really help us out."

6:18 P.M.: Moderator calls writer of Unknown Soldier 'the most passive man I've ever met.'

6:30 P.M.: Q & A.

6:47 P.M.: Guy gets up and starts monologuing. Tells Jason Aaron, who looks like The Big Boss Man, that he thought he was black. Audience bursts into laughter. I make my escape.

7:10 P.M.: Tired; waiting for European Graphic Novels Cross the Pond panel to begin.

7:15 P.M.: Panel shows no sign of starting. No presenters.

7:18 P.M.: Out of here!

NEXT....DAY TWO!

Published!

2009-02-05T07:31:00.007-05:00

My short story, "The Blue Weed," has been accepted for publication at 365Tomorrows! 365Tomorrows publishes a flash fiction science fiction story every day. I don't know what day my story will appear; when I find out I will announce it here.

BTW: Flash fiction means that the story must be under 600 words.

Super Cool Graphic Novel Review: War and Pieces

2009-02-02T21:47:00.010-05:00

Warning: this review contains spoilers. If you don't want to know what happens, don't read any further. I'm not kidding, here.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS AHOY!

I love Fables. Just wanted to be clear on that. OK, then.

So...

That’s it?!?!

Six years in the making, and that’s how the war with the Empire ends? This isn't an epic story, it's a rout. Blink and it’s over. The Empire rolls over and dies. The Snow Queen doesn’t get to lift a finger; Geppetto sits in his woodcarver’s hut, weeping; Baba Yaga is still sharing the basement with the severed heads of the Empire’s last children; and Frau Totenkinder doesn’t even let go of her knitting needles.

The only one who actually strikes a blow is the Emperor, who is an animated puppet. He strikes it against Bigby Wolf, whose best days as a Fable are long past. Don’t get me wrong; I love Bigby. To be exact: I loved Bigby when he was a miserable wretch, and he and Snow White were constantly pissed off at each other. I was happy when he rode off into the sunset with Snow White, because the poor guy deserved it, but I think that’s where he should stay. Happy characters are boring characters.

Anyway...

In general, I am not a fan of decompression of comics. To me, decompression means taking a story you can tell in two or three issues and stretching it out to five or six issues. I make an exception with Fables; with Fables, it’s all about the way the story is told. Bill Willingham knows how to stage scenes; he knows how to create distinctly quirky characters; he doesn’t confuse dialogue with style.

In short: Bill Willingham is a storyteller and he can decompress as much as he wants. One of my favorite Willingham scenes occurs in March of the Wooden Soldiers, when the wooden soldiers visit a gun shop and spend three pages dialoguing with the unfortunate owner. Sure, Willingham could have written the scene in a page or less; but here’s the thing: it’s brilliant as is.

Look at March of the Wooden Soldiers, my favorite Fables storyline. Now that was epic: eight issues. But viewing it through the lens of the three act comic formula, this is what happened: Jack of Fables vs. Wooden Soldiers; the citizens of Fabletown vs. Wooden Soldiers; Baba Yaga vs. Frau Totenkinder. Of course there’s so much more: Jack of Fables trying to sell Thrushbeard magic beans; the peanut gallery wondering what fascist organization the marching Wooden Soldiers belong to; Beast psyching himself up for battle, with help from Prince Charming; and the head-gathering contest between Grimble and Hobbes.

In contrast: the storytelling of War and Pieces is extremely compact, even sparse. Here is the three act formula: Prince Charming and Sinbad on the airship; Bigby and Boy Blue at the beanstalk; Briar Rose at the Imperial City. Just the story, no extras (the gun-toting bunny rabbit was great, though). Make no mistake: this is done on purpose. Willingham is a great writer, and he wanted War and Pieces to be anti-climactic. For the life of me I can’t figure out why.

Maybe the payoff comes after the Empire’s collapse, with the Fables having to deal with the total chaos that ensues. Make no mistake: when something as big as the Empire falls, it’s messy. Baba Yaga is still in the basement, along with the heads of the last wooden soldiers; and unless that agreement Geppetto signed has some sort of magical safeguards, putting him in the Fable Town is like loosing the fox in the henhouse.

The juicy bits are coming.

I know I'm right.

Writer's Circle

2009-02-01T08:02:00.010-05:00

Image from Space Sick via Whatever.

I don't call it Writer's Block. For me, it's Writer's Circle because I go round and round and end up where I started. When you are posting every day - or almost every day - it's tough to find stuff to write about. I've thought long and hard about topics and here's what I've come up with:

More comic reviews. Some bloggers review eight or nine per week. Where do they get the money?
Start a flame war with another blogger. I am understandably scared of my fellow bloggers, who spend most of their free time kneecapping each other. On the other hand: give people a bunch of posts full of badly spelled insults, and they're happy.
Post links I found on the Internet. As a blog reader, I never understood this. As a blog producer, I get it.
Heartwarming/heartbreaking personal anecdotes. There aren't any.
More War of Kings posts. Don't worry, they're coming.
Dark Reign posts. Not unless I get desperate, which is possible.
Tape bacon to my cat. Hey, it worked for John Scalzi.
Funny stuff. Comedy is hard to write. Let me rephrase that: good comedy is hard to write. And for whatever reason, comedians aren't the happiest of people.
The economy sucks, and how it affects comics. I did that last week, when I ranted about the cost of comic books. Update: nothing has changed. When something does, I'll let you know.
A series of posts showcasing my drawing/Photoshop/Flickr skills. Sorry.
Horror/sci-fi book reviews. Maybe. People like reviews, especially when they're all raw and juicy.
Gamera reviews. No, no more Gamera.
Watchmen. Since I was sick to death of the Watchmen ten years ago, not likely.
Write and draw a web comic. You would think the fact that I have no talent whatsoever would be an obstacle. Just you wait.
Fan fiction. Nobody - nobody wants that.

Great Graphic Novels for Teens: Annotated Version

2009-01-30T10:56:00.009-05:00

YALSA (Young Adult Library Services Association) released their 2009 list of great graphic novels for teens, here. There are 53 titles, as well as a Top 10 list. First, I would like to publicly thank the librarians who put this list together, selflessly spending hours of their precious time reading free comic books. Your sacrifice is appreciated :-)

Here are a few annotations:

Abel, Jessica, Gabriel Soria and Warren Pleece. Life Sucks. First Second. 2008. 978-1-59643-107-2. $19.95. This was one of my favorite titles of 2008, but not for younger teens.

Black, Holly and Ted Naifeh. The Good Neighbors: Book One, Kin. 2008. Graphix. 978-0-4398-5562-4. $16.99. Blech.

Brubaker, Ed and Steve Epting. The Death of Captain America: The Death of the Dream, v. 1. 2008. Marvel. 978-0-785124-23-8. $14.99. The Death of Captain America: The Burden of Dreams, v. 2. 2008. Marvel. 978-0-785124-24-5. $14.99. ~~Like getting hit in the head with a two by four~~ Not my thing.

Ito, Junki. Uzumaki, v.1. VIZ. 2007. 978-1-4215-1389-8. $9.99. A fine choice; I'm guessing there are some horror fans on this year's committee.

Johns, Geoff and Dave Gibbons. Green Lantern: The Sinestro Corps War, v. 1. DC. 2008. 978-1-4012-1650-4. $24.99. Green Lantern: The Sinestro Corps War, v. 2. DC. 2008. 978-1-4012-1800-3. $24.99. Meh.

Johnson, Mat and Warren Pleece. Incognegro: A Graphic Mystery. Vertigo. 2008. 978-1-4012-1097-7. $19.99. NOT for younger teens.

Kirkman, Robert and Jason Howard. Astounding Wolf-Man, v. 1. Image Comics. 2008. 978-1-58240-862-0. $9.99. Rowf!

Kishimoto, Masashi. Naruto, v. 28. VIZ. 2008. 978-1-4215-1864-0. $7.95. Naruto, v. 29. VIZ. 2008. 978-1-4215-1865-7. $7.95. Naruto, v. 30. VIZ. 2008. 978-1-4215-1942-5. $7.95. Naruto, v. 31. VIZ. 2008. 978-1-4215-1943-2. $7.95. Did you know there are over 20 manga titles on this year's list?

Pak, Greg and Carlo Pagulayan. Planet Hulk. Marvel Comics. 2008. 978-0-785120-12-4. $34.99. Awesome!

Straczynski, J. Michael and Esad Ribic. Silver Surfer: Requiem. Marvel. 2007. 978-0-7851-2848-9. $19.99. I didn't read this, but I'm sure it's heartwarming. Break out the hankies!

Tamaki, Mariko and Jilliam Tamaki. Skim. Groundwood Books. 2008. 978-0-8889-9753-1. $18.95. Another of my favorites of 2008.

Way, Gerard and Gabriel Ba. Umbrella Academy: Apocalypse Suite. Dark Horse. 2008. 978-1-59307-978-9. $17.95. I am itching to read this.

Conclusion: The 2009 Great Graphic Novels for Teens list is a bit manga-heavy for my tastes, and titles meant for older teens should be so marked. That aside, this is a solid list.

Ads in comics: twenty years ago vs. now

2009-01-29T08:25:00.015-05:00

Sea monkeys. Hostess Twinkies. X-ray see-thru specs. Mail order Kung Fu lessons. Those are a few of the ads I recall from my long-lost youth. What about ads today? How are they different? How are they the same? To be honest, I have no clue as I stopped reading the ads sometime back in 1982. So let's take a look.

Brave & The Bold #169

This comic is from 1980. Mike W. Barr, the writer, signed it for me at a comic book convention. He seemed like a nice guy. Here are the ads:

Ad #1: LEGO Builder Sets. Build a toy car, motorycycle, crane, tractor, and so on.

Ad #2: Saturday Morning Cartoons, Featuring the Fonz! Announces ABC's Saturday Morning Cartoon Lineup. I see the SuperFriends, Scooby Doo, Plastic Man (featuring PlastiBaby), The Fonz in a time machine and Thundarr the Barbarian.

Ad #3: Sea Monkeys. Nuff said!

Ad #4: Hostess Twinkies Presents, Superman Saves the Weather Satellites! These ads were great. This one shows Superman using Hostess Twinkies to save the world. He throws Twinkies at the villains and they're so overcome with The Sugar Lust they forget about their evil plans.

Ad #5: Fun Factory. Sells ~~useless junk~~ gadgets such as Spy-Scope, Venus Fly Trap, Joy Buzzer, Fake Vampire Blood, Red Hot Gum, Mini Camera (now it's called a cell phone) and Bald Head Wig.

Ad #6: Deliver GRIT. I guess it's a newspaper, or a Ponzi scheme.

Ad #7: Masquerade Make-Up Kits. Be a Clown! Be an Indian! Be a Monster!

Ad #8: Classifieds Page. Features stuff like the Charles Atlas Bodybuilding Kit and mail order Kung Fu lessons!

Ad #9: Monogram Toy Truck Kits. More toys.

Ad #10: Dingo Boots, featuring the Dingo Kids Meet O.J. Simpson! The Juice is loose! See him run!

Avengers: The Initiative #21

This comic is from 2009. It has the same number of pages of content (23) as the 1980 comic, but is six times more expensive. On the bright side: the paper quality is better and it probably won't turn yellow.

Ad #1: Become a remote-control operator. Anti-drug ad from the folks at abovetheinfluence.com, which looks to be a government sponsored website.

Ad #2: Hulk vs. DVDs. From Marvel. See Hulk smash Wolverine and Thor!

Ad #3: Afro Samurai: Resurrection. A two-hour movie event from SPIKE. Features drinking, swearing and drug use, everything abovetheinfluence.com is against.

Ad #4: Star Trek Movie Contest, by Esurance. Looks like a scheme to build a marketing list disguised as a contest.

Ad #5: Midtown Comics. If you're going to ComicCon, why not visit them?

Ad #6: Joe Kubert School of Cartoon and Cartoon Art, Inc. I noticed this ad because it has a 70's feel. A guy and a girl are tied to a post, being threatened by oozing monsters.

Ad #7: New York ComicCon. I'm going!

Ad #8: Daredevil #116, from Marvel. The Kingpin returns for the 9,274th time. More hardcore fun from Ed Brubaker!

Ad #9: Thunderbolts #128, from Marvel. The return of the ~~A-Team~~ new team!

Ad #10: Black Panther #1, is the fourth ad from Marvel. Are they having trouble selling ads?

Ad #11: Netflix advertises their new X-Box Experience. I don't even have an X-box.

Ad #12: Honda car commercial. Introducing: the Honda Fit. A car commercial in a comic book?

Final analysis: the ads are really different. The 1980 ads feature junk food, model cars, toys and cartoons. The 2009 ads feature anti-drug propaganda, real cars, video games and Marvel swag.

New Avengers #49: Where's my extra dollar worth of comics goodness?

2009-01-28T16:54:00.005-05:00

LUKE CAGE: MALE MODEL?

Stuff that happens in this issue:

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS AHOY!

Venom eats a Skrull.
Skrull Jarvis gets shot in the head, just like I predicted.
Bullseye switches back to the costume he wore in the Daredevil movie.
Luke Cage kicks some ass with the crowbar he took off the Wrecker back in New Avengers #7 -8. Wait a second...I just looked at New Avengers Annual #2, which takes place after that, and there's the Wrecker with his crowbar. Maybe it's a fake. No, it's glowing. Does the Wrecker have two crowbars?
The New Avengers get mad and decide to kick the Dark Avengers' ass just like a bunch of schoolyard bullies.

I don't care about the crowbar. Let some other blogger rant and rave about it. Someone screwed up, or it's Bendis not sweating the details. Why should he? The details didn't get Bendis to where he is.

What bothers me is that this comic costs $3.99, and it's 23 pages long. So the prices will go up, and the fans will get...nothing. I've been through this before, back when comics went from forty to fifty cents. Marvel and DC did the same thing: added extra pages for a few months, and then took them away.

I'm not going to do something stupid like threatening to quit buying comics. I did that earlier today, and the guy at the comic book store told me I wouldn't because I'd have nothing to read in the bathroom. Yeah, he's right.

What's happening is that Marvel is hurting their second tier titles. People will buy the top tier titles because they want their Wolverine and Spider Man, but they won't buy Captain Britain and MI13, Incredible Hercules and Guardians of the Galaxy. It's a pity, because these titles all have great creative teams. There are a lot of talented people working in comics now; I don't see a qualitative difference between an Incredible Hercules and a New Avengers.

No, I'm not going anywhere. But superhero comics are not exactly a growth industry in this country. And if you push too hard, the audience you have will go away. Remember the 90's?

War of Kings Update: Part the Third

2009-01-27T18:42:00.010-05:00

SUPER-THRILLING WAR OF KINGS TRAILER, NARRATED BY

A GUY WITH A DEEP VOICE

I've been getting psyched up for War of Kings, but it looks like I've missed an issue or two...

What I've read

Guardians of the Galaxy #8
Guardians of the Galaxy #9

War of Kings Saga Special (saved from trash)

What I need to read

Secret Invasion: Inhumans #1
Secret Invasion: Inhumans #2
Secret Invasion: Inhumans #3
Secret Invasion: Inhumans #4

Secret Invasion: War of Kings One-Shot (PROBABLY IMPORTANT!!!)

X-Men: Kingbreaker #1
X-Men: Kingbreaker #2

What I don't get is that the Inhumans mini-series says Secret Invasion, not War of Kings. Maybe it should say both, like Secret Invasion: War of Kings. The person who thought that title up is a marketing genius, by the way.

I am going to be blogging a lot about War of Kings. I spent a lot of time and money on Secret Invasion last year and when it morphed into Dark Reign I realized that I just don't ~~give a sh~~ care anymore. Seriously. Every comic blogger on Earth is going to be moaning about how Dark Reign sucks, so to spare you some time and money and bother, I'm going to tell you how Dark Reign ends. Ready?

SPOILER ALERT

Norman Osborn will go down in flames.
(Trust me, I've been reading comics a long time)

War of Kings Update: Guardians of the Galaxy

2009-01-25T21:48:00.009-05:00

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

BLASTAAR: newly crowned King of the Negative Zone. Allied with the Kree.

STAR-LORD: former leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Banished to the Negative Zone by Ronan the Accuser.

RONAN THE ACCUSER: Leader of the Kree.

INMATES OF 42: Gorilla Man, Condor, Bison, Skeleton Ki. They're really stupid.

JACK FLAG: Former superhero, now imprisoned in 42. He's wheelchair bound, crippled by Bullseye.

STARHAWK AND MAJOR VICTORY: Interdimensional train-hoppers.

ROCKET RACCOON: Talking raccoon whose best friend is a Talking Tree. Now leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

MANTIS: Member of the Guardians of the Galaxy; telepath.

KOSMOS, THE HOUND OF SPACE: Faithful companion to the Guardians. Has a Russian accent.

THE SETTING: 42, a prison in the Negative Zone.

THE STORY SO FAR: Blastaar wants to invade Earth, so his forces attack 42. He sends Star-Lord to parley with the surviving inmates.

Further background reading: here.

Without any further ado...the plot beats!

SPOILER ALERT

Blastaar lays siege to 42.

42 is Marvel's version of Guantanamo Bay. I'm surprised it's not closed. Hasn't it been invaded a dozen times already? Anyone who thinks a prison in the Negative Zone is a good idea is either a Skrull or out of their minds or Hank Pym, who is both.

A naked Star-Lord hails Jack Flag.

He's naked because Blastaar took away his superheroing suit.

The rulers of 42 hold a council.

That would be Gorilla Man, Bison, Condor and Skeleton Ki, along with Jack Flag.

Star-Lord advises against surrender. He also advises against opening the portal to Earth.

They're not going to listen to him.

Star-Lord and Gorilla Man calmly discuss the situation.

Gorilla Man calls Star-Lord Space Lord, which is a song by Monster Magnet. Star-Lord calls Gorilla Man a moron, which is true but doesn't help matters.

Star-Lord punches out Gorilla Man.

He must be pretty strong to punch out a gorilla.

Jack Flag takes Star-Lord's side in the debate.

He blasts anyone still standing with his ray gun.

Jack Flag and Star-Lord decide to summon The Guardians of the Galaxy.

The only guy Jack Flag doesn't blast is Skeleton Ki, who can open any door. After they leave Skeleton Ki opens the gates of 42 and surrenders. Duh.

Drax the Destroyer and Quasar talk to some guy I don't recognize.

He's got white sideburns. I've read all nine issues of the Guardians of the Galaxy and I don't know who he is.

White sideburns kills Drax the Destroyer and Quasar.

I should have put them in the cast, but since they're dead I guess it doesn't matter.

Major Victory tries to get some answers from an imprisoned Starhawk.

Major Victory and Starhawk hail from an alternate universe. Starhawk used to be a man. It's complicated.

Star-Lord beats up Carrion, who is a telepath.

He does this so Carrion will send out a telepathic distress signal.

Star-Lord beats up Carrion some more.

Because it's just so much fun.

Mantis receives Star-Lord's distress signal.

She's a telepath, too. Obviously.

The Guardians of the Galaxy assemble!

Kosmos, the Hound of Space, says that he can teleport the team within four meters of Star-Lord. Rocket Raccoon tells Kosmos not to screw up.

Kosmos screws up.

Oops.

Next...I review more War of Kings titles!

Captain Britain and MI:13

2009-01-24T10:05:00.007-05:00

Captain Britain and MI:13 is NOT cancelled, but the news isn't good. The book is on the bubble. See here and here.

I read about twelve comics per month, and Captain Britain and MI:13 is the best title on my pull list. If you don't read it, you should start: the art is good, the writing is better than good and it still costs $2.99. Plus, you've got Dracula on the moon, which is something you don't get to see every day.

Why don't titles like Captain Britain do better? Here are a few possible reasons.

None of the characters are A-listers. People read comics for their favorite characters: they want their Spider Man and Wolverine and X-men. There's a reason that Wolverine, who is one of Marvel's flagship characters, appears in ten Marvel books per month.
The economy stinks. Marvel making their Dark Reign titles $3.99 doesn't help, either. Marvel knows their business better than I know their business, but comics aren't gas or food. If they cost too much people will just shrug their shoulders and stop buying them.
Long storylines. I liked the Plotka story just fine, but have mixed feelings about multi-issue storylines in general. As in: do people have the attention span to read them? When I started reading comics three issues was about as long as you got. It was mostly one and two issue stories. Of course that was back in the Dark Ages, when comics sold better. Multi-issue stories work for trades, but do they work for serials? Comics should start strong, contain lots of action, and end with a cliffhanger; but too many of the titles I buy nowadays read all right as trades, but the individual issues feel stretched. A few are downright dull. I've gotten into the habit of not reading the issues until the storyline is done.

Questions upon returning from the comic book store

2009-01-21T19:48:00.019-05:00

Thunderbolts #128: Why does this cover have nothing to do with the story?

A bit of explanation here: Barack Obama, our new president, rightly has his doubts about Norman Osborn. So he summons him to Air Force One. Doc Samson is there, fresh from turning Rick Jones into a scaly monster in Jeph Loeb's Hulk. Or maybe it's Doc Samson's clone; whatever. This one has lots of bangs and booms and reminded me a bit of an A-Team episode, which is a bad sign.

Mighty Avengers #21: What's with the stupid costume?

Jim Shooter's run on the Avengers was awful. It started badly with Avengers #212, a cheesy story about a retired barbarian and his enchantress wife, and went downhill from there. I still have the issue: the barbarian gets killed by the cops and his wife goes on a mystical rampage. Boy oh boy it was bad.

And it got worse. Hank Pym hit his wife an issue or two thereafter, and his character has never recovered. It goes on and on; every person who's written the Avengers has done a Hank-Pym-reconciles-with-his-past story. Until they gave up and just started writing him as a jerk. I think Marvel should either retcon the issue where Hank hits his wife or make him a villain. He'd make a good villain. Bendis writes him as a villain.

Oh, yeah: good issue here. Dan Slott is going classic Avengers - think Kurt Busiek with better dialogue. So this will be fun.

Guardians of the Galaxy #9: Why is this man naked?

You'll just have to read the issue to find out, won't you? This issue guest-stars the Gorilla Man, a villain from Power Man & Iron Fist. He's the guy who grafted his head onto a gorilla's body. Great to have you back, Gorilla! Where've you been? There's also The Bison, who looks like a buffalo; and Jack Staff, last seen being crippled in Thunderbolts. My only beef with this issue is the fact that we don't get enough Rocket Racoon.

Dark Avengers #1: Who will Venom eat next?

Venom eats a Skrull in this issue, which is a nice change-up from Skrulls getting shot in the head. This is yet another assemble the Avengers story, which seems to be Bendis' specialty. All he does is assemble and disassemble the Avengers; he can't seem to help himself. The art is done by Mike Deodato, who is great, but is he the right man for this gig? He can't meet a deadline to save his life, and Bendis averages 6 issue story arcs. Dark Reign might be a distant memory by the time they finish their first story.

T-shirt of the day

2009-01-16T11:14:00.004-05:00

From Cafe Press.

Questions upon returning from the comic book store

2009-01-15T07:45:00.012-05:00

B.P.R.D. Black Goddess #1: Why is this a first issue?

Because it's not; it's a #5 or #6. I read the first B.P.R.D. trade last year and enjoyed it. At least I think I enjoyed it. Frankly, I don't recall a lot about it. So when I saw this I figured, why not? I like the guy with the light bulb head. The problem is, this issue drops you straight into moving traffic, i.e. - an ongoing storyline. Liz Sherman has been kidnapped again, because Liz is the designated victim in the Hellboy universe. She's gone and the other B.P.R.D. members are trying to find her.

Abe Sapien and Light Bulb Head are in a boat with a guy I don't know. The book doesn't bother introducing him. They're looking for lost files, which is thrilling. There's also a mummy woman in a wheelchair, and another character talks to a member of Lobster Johnson's posse.

If you're going to make this a first issue, you're looking to pick up new readers, yes? So at least summarize the plot up to this point.

And what happened to the Golem?

Deadpool #6: Who is Deadpool talking to?

Deadpool has voices in his head. Does that mean he's crazy? Or is he just talking to himself, like lots of non-crazy people do? I wish I knew. This issue is about Deadpool fighting Tiger Shark, who keeps trying to kill Deadpool but can't because of Deadpool's awesome healing factor. Tiger Shark has been hired to kill Deadpool by Norman Osborn, certified lunatic. At the end of the issue Bob the Hydra agent shows up. Not impressed; no, not at all.

Captain Britain and MI13 #9: Why is Dracula on the Moon?

Marv Wolfman's Tomb of Dracula is good in small doses. If you read too many issues at once your head will explode. Anyway, Captain Britain and MI13 is my favorite series right now. And this looks to be an awesome next storyline.

Hexed #1: Why didn't I read this on MySpace?

Don't get me wrong...I like Hexed just fine. The story moves at a brisk pace, letting its audience pick things up as they read along. The art has a nice, scratchy straight-from-the-sketchbook feel. I will pick up the second issue. That being said: why I didn't read the issue, available free at MySpace Comics?

Who knows?

Posing nude with a Dalek, and other ways to boost your blog's numbers

2009-01-14T07:36:00.011-05:00

JEPH LOEB YOU ARE TEH SUCK!!!!!!!

(TECHNIQUE #6)

When you are just starting a blog, the lack of response from other people can be downright heartbreaking. Experienced bloggers will say things like post every day, it takes time to build a following and write good content. Unfortunately, this advice discriminates against the lazy, the impatient and those who can't write. Here are some better ways to boost your blog’s numbers.

Pose nude with a Dalek. If you’ve got a spouse/significant other, pose with them. Don’t worry about jelly rolls, bald heads, false limbs, etc. – EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL. This will work wonders (just ask Katy Manning), but it's better if you have a Doctor Who blog. Otherwise people will wonder why you are standing naked next to a giant salt shaker.
Try to spell all the words right. If you are writing about the constitution be sure you know how to spell the word constitution. And remember: when you are flaming, statements like YOU ARE TEH SUCK!!! elicit more amusement than anger.
Say something stupid. This never fails. It should be controversial, too. Hopefully bloggers with better numbers will pick up on what you’re saying and chide you for it. Even better, they’ll link to your site and you’ll get lots of hits. You know what they say: it’s better to be hated than ignored.
Godzilla fan-fiction. The Lizard King has a rabid following. Writing fan-fiction about his mighty exploits will satisfy their desire for thrilling adventure. Writing Gamera fan-fiction will get you banished to listserv hell.
Comic obscurity hell. Go into detail about your love for Grimjack, the Starman/Batman/Hellboy crossover, Frank Miller’s Ronin series, or the Marvel Two in One issue co-starring The Impossible Man, and nobody will dare question your geek credentials.
Long, rambling filibusters about things that suck. People like things that suck, or they wouldn’t spend so much time writing about them. Strangely, the things that suck usually sell like gangbusters.
Moral outrage. The Internet oozes with it. Good targets are religion, violence, porn, stupidity, politics, censorship, freedom of speech, other bloggers and Jeph Loeb.
Say something funny. The problem with being funny is that you either are or you aren't. Lots of people try too hard, and the results aren't pretty (or funny).
Attack, attack, attack! This is the single most popular way to boost your numbers, and it's so easy. Just insult someone, and you're good to go! Be sure to use caps and lots of exclamation points. The Internet loves flame wars more than Mexican soap operas.
Sell something. Oh, how people will love your miracle hair growth formula, the autobiography of your cat (Kitty!) and the patented anti-acne formula that doubles as a paint thinner. If you've got twenty bucks and a can of beans, you can hire somebody at Elance or Guru to write a 300 page e-book about your marvelous invention.
Photoshop Whiz! Put The Grimace in Dark Reign! Splice the heads of The Transformers onto the Knicks City Dancers!
Personal stories. I don't do this because I live a dull life, but it really works! You can share intimate personal details with total strangers, talk about your spouse’s shortcomings or rant about what a dick your boss is. Strange people will show up unannouned at your door, and your spouse and boss will be avid readers of your blog. A must for anyone wanting fame or a stalker.
Steal. It’s quicker than thinking up your own stuff, and you can spend the time saved Googling Angelina Jolie. If people call you on it, act outraged (see #7) and start a flame war (see #9).

Questions about the legal and socioeconomic ramifications of Dark Reign

2009-01-13T07:11:00.003-05:00

CONSTITUTIONAL?

NarutoKilledMyCat asks: Don't super-powered death squads violate the Constitution?

EncephaloRAY answers: No, not at all. The CIA is a government entity funded by our tax dollars, and in their 60+ years of existence they have - by their own admission- participated in various government coups and assassinations, all in the name of national security. Most of their activities are classified, also because of national security. Super-powered death squads fall under the same umbrella, as long as they are used exclusively in the interests of (you guessed it!) national security. Whether such organizations should be allowed to exist in a democracy is another argument.

BUGMAN517 asks: Why would Obama put Norman Osborn, certified lunatic, in charge of the free world?

EncephaloRAY answers: Because Norman shot a Skrull in the head on TV. I guess Marvel is trying to make a point about the power of the media.

constitution83xxx asks: Do the Geneva Conventions apply to alien races? Since the Skrulls are prisoners of war, don't they get basic rights?

EncephaloRAY answers: You are assuming that anyone at Marvel has even heard of the Geneva Conventions.

slurpeesgooddrink asks: What is Norman Osborn's exact position? And does he need to be confirmed by the Senate?

EncephaloRAY answers: "Grand Poobah of the Free World." Since Norman is in charge of all registered superhumans and what used to be SHIELD, he is now the most powerful man on Earth. And yes, he would need to be confirmed by the Senate. I'm guessing the hearings took place but Marvel didn't bother showing them...I'm sure if there's enough demand they would release a special "Senate Confirmation Hearing" issue.

joshgeckolad asks: Why does Loki have breasts?

EncephaloRAY answers: Loki is a woman now. Don't you read Thor?

YouSuckAss asks:Don't you think the timing of this type of story is a bit off?

EncephaloRAY answers: Maybe. The fans will decide. You see, YouSuckAss, we fans have huge influence over what Marvel does, but not in the way we think. People can complain about Jeph Loeb's Hulk until they're red in the face, but it's still a top selling book. If nobody read Hulk, and the sales dropped to #187, Marvel would switch creative teams. It's simple economics, people.

ComixJunky87 asks: Don't you have to undergo a background check to work for the government? Aren't there some problems in Norman Osborn's file?

EncephaloRAY answers: There are a few blips in Norman's record, that's true. He fathered two children with a woman half his age, threw that selfsame woman off the Brooklyn Bridge, beat a Daily Bugle reporter to death and almost started a world war by assaulting the Atlantean ambassador. Plus, the super secret Goblin formula flowing through his veins means that he fails any drug tests. But he's a roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-the-job-done kind of a guy, which offsets all that.

pattihearst21lives asks: Who would win in a fight between Venom and The Sentry?

EncephaloRAY answers: Venom, because The Sentry would start crying.

SpideyLives666 asks: Why would Obama pal around with Spider-Man, a wanted fugitive who is also a suspected serial killer?

EncephaloRAY answers: Because it means big sales? No, that's too obvious. Obama has been criticized for consorting with so-called "bad characters" before, and it's never stopped him. The man is obviously a great judge of character.

SpideyLives666 asks: Oh, yeah? If Obama's such a great judge of character, why did he appoint Norman Osborn?

EncephaloRAY answers: Sorry. Only one question per person.

IHeartTaterTots asks: Why is Tony Stark giving himself a homemade lobotomy?

EncephaloRAY answer: Two words...plausible deniability. If more politicians did the same thing the world would be a better place.

GailSimonewantstoknow asks: What is Deadpool's role in Dark Reign?

EncephaloRAY answers: Whatever it takes to keep his book from getting cancelled.

Encephalo Ray Goes to the Movies

2009-01-12T17:46:00.004-05:00

GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF LEGION

Godzilla never retreats. Even in the worst movies of the Godzilla oeuvre, the ones where he prances and pratfalls onscreen with a bunch of extras in suits so cheap you can see the zipper, the Lizard King maintains a certain presence. He reminds me of Christopher Lee in all those awful Dracula movies. In the midst of the dreck there's Christopher Lee, radiating menace. The same is true of Godzilla.

Gamera, on the other hand, gets the crap kicked out of him. It's a rule. The formula for Gamera movies is simple: Gamera gets beaten up by some low-budget monster, makes a miraculous comeback and reappears in the third act to pull it out. Attack of Legion takes this formula to extremes. Gamera gets pierced, battered, lasered, bitten and blown up. In one scene our Tusked Hero flies off with about a million space bugs attached to his hide, and green turtle blood sprays all over the nearby buildings. "Gamera's hurt," someone says. No duh.

The first time I saw Attack of Legion (ten years ago) I was excited by the great special effects. The second time I saw Attack of Legion (last weekend) I was excited because Gamera's female co-star wears nothing but short skirts. It's dead of winter in Northern Japan (you can see peoples' breath in outdoor scenes) and she wears pants once. How realistic is that? It reminds me of The Relic, a monster movie that features Penelope Anne Miller galumphing around in a little black dress.

The fact that I'm picking up on little things like that might be viewed as a bad sign. Not at all. I liked Attack of Legion. Contrary to memory, the special effects are not special. The Legion swarm looks like the monsters from Starship Troopers, and the big monster is a goon in a rubber suit. Gamera's battle cry, on the other hand, is totally cool. And there are enough tanks firing and model buildings crumbling to make any monster movie fan happy.

I like Attack of Legion's eco-friendly message, also. Despite breathing fire and wreaking carnage, Gamera is able to tap into the goodness of Mother Earth to power up and seriously kick Legion's ass. Kind of like drinking Red Bull, I guess. The movie ends with a stern warning to human beings: straighten out, or Gamera's coming for you.

In conclusion: I would recommend Attack of Legion to everybody, but it's not for everybody. If you don't like movies starring giant flying turtles, you will cringe. If you do, you'll be fine.

War of Kings Saga, Deconstructed

2009-01-11T08:25:00.008-05:00

Simple Chronic Halitosis...

Free time yesterday, so I took my free WAR OF KINGS SAGA comic book from the dust-bin and read it. I can now say that I totally understand War of Kings, and I'm going to share that very special knowledge with you.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THE PLOT BEATS...

The Kree genetically engineer the Inhumans.

According to the official Marvel wiki, the Kree injected Eternal DNA into Cro-Magnons. The Marvel Wiki also says that the Kree established a beach-head on Uranus. Wonder how that slipped past the editors?

The Inhumans throw off the Kree's leadership and now live in the city of Attilan, located on the Moon.

Marvel wiki says the Kree just left, which makes more sense than a handful of superhumans taking on an intergalactic empire. Anyway: they live on the Moon.

The Inhumans expose their young to the Terrigen Mists, which gives them super-powers.

Which means that Earth is home to four outshoots of the human race: Eternal, Deviant, Mutant and Inhuman. Maybe I'm missing a few races.

The Inhumans are a benevolent monarchy, under the benevolent leadership of benevolent monarch Black Bolt.

We meet the royal family. Lockjaw is back to being a dog.

The Illuminati make the Skrulls angry.

Besides being a benevolent monarch, Black Bolt is also a member of the Illuminati. The Illuminati visit the Skrull world and blow stuff up, which is how diplomacy is conducted in the Marvel Universe.

Vulcan wakes up.

Vulcan isn't Mr. Spock's brother, he's the third Summers brother. He's also a really powerful mutant.

Vulcan declares war on the Shi'ar Empire, another alien race.

He's mad because they killed his Mommy. Vulcan's tale is quite Oedipal.

Quicksilver steals the Terrigen Mists from the Inhumans.

He does this because he's crazy. Also, he used to be married to one of the Inhumans.

The U.S. government steals the Terrigen Mists from Quicksilver.

They do this because they're Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The Inhumans steal the Terrigen Mists from the U.S. government.

They do this because the Mists actually belong to them.

The U.S. government uncorks a can of whoop-ass on the Inhumans.

They send a bunch of genetically altered Marines on a suicide mission. They blow stuff up.

Black Bolt abdicates the title to his not so benevolent brother, the insane Maximus.

Replacing a benevolent monarch with a nut-case? Another sorry example of America's foreign policy, gone awry.

Black Bolt is kidnapped by the Skrulls.

Never piss off a Skrull.

The X-Men chase Vulcan.

Don't ask me why. The guy went off into space on a suicide mission, respect his decision.

The Shi'ar kick Vulcan's ass seven ways to Sunday.

One man vs. an intergalactic empire. Shocker.

Vulcan becomes emperor of the Shi'ar.

Don't ask me, ask Ed Brubaker.

Vulcan kills his Daddy.

See what I mean about the Oedipal part?

The X-Men get involved, somehow.

Yes, it's all very complicated. Anyway...I like Marvel Girl's costume. You can see her belly-button!

The Hulk returns to Earth to beat up the Skrull Black Bolt.

This is self-explanatory.

The Skrulls invade Earth and Attilan.

The Skrulls are criminally incompetent, but never mind.

The Inhumans ally with the Kree against the Skrulls.

Good for them!

Black Bolt returns!

Yay!

Nova makes an appearance!

Now maybe his book won't be cancelled.

The Guardians of the Galaxy make an appearance!

They're now led by a talking raccoon, so how much of a threat can they be?

The Kree and Inhumans and Shi'ar mix it up!

The War of Kings has begun....

More Skrulls!

Because somebody needs to get shot in the head.

Marvel Team-Up: Skrull Jarvis and the Baby Cage

2009-01-10T10:02:00.015-05:00

I'm thinking mini-series, here. The premise is that Skrull Jarvis and Baby Cage drive around the Marvel Universe in a flying Studebaker, making friends with people like Doctor Strange and Alpha Flight and Fin Fang Foom, the Dragon with Purple Underpants.

The conflict is that it's hunting season on Skrulls in the Marvel Universe. People drive around with Skrulls tied to the hood of their cars and everything, but Skrull Jarvis eludes them because he's crafty. Plus, he can turn into Galactus during fights.

Stuff that happens: Skrull Jarvis continues his interspecies romance with Aunt May. Baby Cage cries and poops her pants. Jessica Jones and Luke Cage chase after them on a motorcycle with a side-car. They both wear goggles. Oh, and Luke Cage says things like 'Sweet Christmas, woman!' to Jessica Jones.

This could be comic magic, but it won't be. Skrull Jarvis is going to be shot in the head by some gritty HAMMER agent and Baby Cage will end up in Venom's belly (Venom sure looked hungry at the end of New Avengers #48). Too bad.

Anyway, that's my idea.

Can someone please give me Marvel's new address? I got 2012 rejection notices from them so far, which is the same number as when the world ends, and that's sort of spooky. And then I got a letter from Marvel saying they went out of business, which I know isn't true since I still get my weekly comics. Then Marvel sent me another letter saying that they moved to the Blue Area of the Moon. So if you know their new address let me know. I got lots more good ideas.

Encephalo Reviews

2009-01-09T07:14:00.007-05:00

What happens: Bane, laid low. The team power vomits. Battle royale! A family reunion. Full-frontal nudity, with scissors.

Thoughts

Why can't Cheshire brew a poison that kills you, rather than making you sick?
Maybe they'll get Garth Ennis to do a Dangerous Habits story with Deadshot.
Get better super-villains. These are wimpy.
Didn't see that last page coming.

What happens: Zot blasts villains with his ray gun. Jenny whines. The Devoes revert. Reality asserts itself. Scott McCloud quits Zot!, writes umpteen manifestos on comics.

Thoughts

This is not the complete Zot! The first ten issues are missing.
The Devoes look like they escaped from a Judge Dredd comic.
Dekko is awesome.
When he did The Earth Stories, it was ground-breaking. Now sensitive teen angst tales are a dime a dozen.

Big Twelve Pull List

2009-01-08T07:36:00.011-05:00

WHAT?

Here is what I am reading.

AVENGERS THE INITIATIVE I've stuck with this series since it started. I didn't like the Secret Invasion tie-in because there wasn't any tension. Did anyone think the Skrulls were going to send the Marvel U spinning into the Negative Zone? And now Dan Slott is leaving. Status: on the bubble.

CAPTAIN AMERICA The transition from Steve Rogers to Bucky Barnes went smoothly because it doesn't matter who is under the mask. The story arcs require a passive hero to react to the super-complex plots. The three issue Batroc the Leaper storyline didn't really end. How about having a winner to their fight, at least? Status: on the bubble.

CAPTAIN BRITAIN AND MI:13 This is one of my favorite series. The Plotka story is going on longer than I'd like, but that's just me. Would breaking things up with a few punchy two or three issue stories be too much to ask for? Status: keeper.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY: The talking tree is great, but I don't understand a thing about the War of Kings. My store gave me a free 28 page War of Kings saga comic that reads like something you'd study for a calculus exam. Right now it's sitting in my recycling bin. Status: keeper.

HULK Everybody seems to hate this series, but the sales numbers are great. I don't know. It ignores things like continuity and logic, but looks great. Lots of monsters, smashing. Pipeline has a good column about Hulk, here. Status: keeper.

INCOGNITO: Socially maladjusted misfit with superpowers. Nothing at all happens in the first issue. Status: drop.

INCREDIBLE HERCULES: Sure, this is a great series, but the Love and War storyline is going on too long for my liking. It's my fault for wanting shorter story arcs. Status: keeper.

INVINCIBLE IRON MAN: The World's Most Wanted story arc looks good. If Tony was still drinking, it would be The World's Most Wasted story arc. Status: keeper.

MIGHTY AVENGERS: I like Dan Slott, so I'll read. Plus, it brings back the classic Avengers. Status: keeper.

NEW AVENGERS: This is getting annoying. Lots of dialogue, nothing happens. The stories feel really, really stretched. I've more or less stuck with this series from the start, but my patience is at an end. It requires something drastic for me to keep reading, like Venom eating the Baby Cage. Status: on the bubble.

SECRET SIX: This is the only DC title I'm reading right now, which is too bad. The first comic I read was a DC comic (The Flash). This is a good read, and has the advantage of not being too tied to current DC continuity. I hope it doesn't get cancelled. Status: keeper.

THUNDERBOLTS: Always a fun read. The new team looks good. Status: keeper.

Titles I may pick up: AGENTS OF ATLAS, DEADPOOL.

Encephalo Ray's Comics Manifesto for 2009

2009-01-07T09:30:00.015-05:00

This is the time of year when everyone gets the itch to write about the state of comics. The Beat has a great feature (here , here and here) in which comic creators talk about what 2009 holds for the industry. Everyone has an opinion, it seems. So do I. Here is Encephalo Ray’s 13-Point Comics Manifesto for 2009:

Ban Twitter. People wonder why so many books are late; the answer is Twitter. Comic creators are so busy Twittering they don’t get any work done. If you banned Wii and sex, you’d get weekly books.
Kill all the Flashes. This answers the question over who gets to be the new Flash once and for all: nobody.
Shoot a Skrull in the head. Its Skrull-hunting season over at Marvel, where the only good Skrull is a dead Skrull. So if you do see a Skrull, shoot it in the head. And then watch it die.
Put Robert Kirkman in the Walking Dead. He’s good at dishing out the punishment; let’s see how well he takes it. Plus, it would stop him from issuing more manifestos about the state of comics.
Comic bloggers must die! There’s way too many of us. Cull the herd, via gladiator style fights. People would pay good money to see our epic death-battles.
More web comics. So I can sit at my desk at work, snorting and giggling.
Break out the time machine: Dark Reign isn’t even a Bush-era story; it’s an Eisenhower-era story. As fun as it is to see comic creators try to tackle social issues, I’m afraid it isn’t their forte. Sometimes you should stick to what you know, i.e.: a swift uppercut to the gut.
Stop talking about the Watchmen: It will come out, or it won’t. It will suck, or it won’t.
Eat the other Wonder Twin: When the Hell Dog ate Marvin, another fond childhood memory bit the dust. Might as well finish the job.
Put the Hostess cupcake/Twinkie/Fruit Pie ads back into comics. These ads featured characters like Spider Man and Doctor Doom fighting over who gets the Twinkies, and were lots of fun.
Stop calling comic books graphic novels. There are about a dozen different definitions of a graphic novel, depending on your point of view. Calling them comics eliminates the confusion.
Make all comics $4.99. Why not? They’re going to do it anyway, and I would save money by making the switch to trades and digital.
No more comic movies: I tell you, the success of Iron Man and Dark Knight has created a beast. That beast will eat itself. And here is the sign by which ye shall know: Howard the Duck 2.

T-shirt of the day

2009-01-06T08:08:00.006-05:00

From Cafe Press.

Which member of MI-13 would be the best at Twitter?

2009-01-04T12:57:00.026-05:00

Captain Britain is on Twitter! I made this discovery on Paul Cornell's blog, and it got me to thinking - which member of MI: 13 would be the best at Twitter? This is a tough question. Yes, the good Twitterers make it look easy, but it's really not. Twitting is an art, not a science. Who would flop? Who would fly?

Without further ado, the candidates...

Captain Britain is the only member of MI:13 on Twitter. He's not bad. A little dry, perhaps. I get the feeling he's Twittering out of a sense of duty, and is thus trying too hard. Twitter is no place for reserve. He needs to loosen up and have some fun!

Blade's twitters would be deathly dull. Stuff like "I killed Dracula last night" or "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" On the other hand: I get the feeling there's a personality lurking behind those glasses, yearning to fly free. Twitting might provide Blade with that much-needed outlet, even if he did it under a pseudonym.

Lady Spitfire would be dynamite. She's smart, lively and outgoing, with a crackerjack sense of humor. She would have over a thousand followers, easy, and if she ever turned evil she could use those followers as an endless food supply. Comic bloggers would line up for the honor of being sucked dry, as it is the best action most of us will ever see.

The Black Knight is a wild card. He might be a one-liner machine, or he might not Twitter for months. I worry that he might send abusive Twitters under the influence of The Ebony Blade.

Peter Wisdom would not Twitter sober. Period. Drunk's another matter. He might feel constrained by Twitter's limitations, as his thing is more long, self-pitying monologues. Might be a lurker, or the type who collects peoples' old Twitters to use against them.

I don't get the feeling that Faiza Hussein would be into Twitter. She might post anonymous love poetry on superhero listservs, or have a fan website devoted to The Black Knight.

John the Skrull would Twitter as anyone he liked and be damned good at it. As a shape-changer, he knows a thing or two about assumed identities. Since all changelings have a bit of the devil in them, would be quite the prankster.

Captain Midlands would drive everyone crazy twittering about his piles. Wouldn't have any followers at all.

Plokta isn't a member of MI:13, but would churn out tons of spam.

The winner: John the Skrull would be the best Twitterer on MI:13, but since he's dead and can't Twitter anymore the award goes to the runner-up: Lady Spitfire.

Avatars courtesy of It Came from Darkmoor. Thanks!

Encephalo Ray Goes to the Movies

2009-01-04T08:49:00.007-05:00

I don't like romantic comedies, but will make an exception here. Yes, My Bloody Valentine is a romantic comedy - when I saw the original years ago I laughed like hell. We follow the main character as he roams through town in a miner's outfit, stuffing human hearts into candy boxes, searching for a sweetheart to take to the Valentine's Day dance.

That being said, I'm not sure why the world needs a remake as the first movie was basically perfect. It wasn't in 3-D, though, and this one is. I'm glad. Dodging flying pickaxes will give the moviegoing public some much needed exercise.

The makers of My Bloody Valentine spared no expense with the website. The guy with the pickaxe follows your mouse around! Plus, there are five pictures and a couple of very lively trailers. Oh, and you can send your friend a bloody valentine. If you send a bloody valentine to enough of your friends, you won't have any left.

My Bloody Valentine comes out on January 16th. See it before Valentine's Day, because let's face it, it would be a miracle if the movie was still around by then.

Encephelo Reviews

2009-01-03T12:48:00.006-05:00

From Russia with Love

What happens: SMERSH sets a trap for James Bond. A tunnel with lots and lots of rats. A pair of gypsy women, fighting to the death. A ride on the Orient Express. Murder.

Thoughts:

I'm a slow reader, but spending two weeks on a 259 page book is ridiculous.
Ian Fleming is the type of writer who will tell you what James Bond ate for breakfast, whether you want to know or not.
Lots of plot here, but still liked it.
This is one of those times you can judge a book by it's cover.

Doctor Who Season Two: School Reunion

What happens: The Doctor posts a lottery ticket. Reunion with Sarah Jane Smith and K-9, who is rusty. Krillitanes hang from the rafters, feed high school students smart chips. K-9 ray gun action!

The Doctor is like an animal lover who doesn't want to see a favorite pet put to sleep. So he leaves before it happens.
Cheesy special effects made this one better for me.
Line of the week: "Forget the shooty dog thing."
David Tennant is growing on me.

Incognito

What happens: Supervillain in witness rehab program dresses in Santa suit, has sex with drunk woman. Afterwards he takes drugs, regains his superpowers. Chaos to ensue.

Thoughts:

Is it just me, or does Zach Overkill looks like The Comedian on that cover?
The Marvel writers were pimping this on Twitter all day.
Zach Overkill goes to better Christmas parties than me, that's for sure.
They don't make mad doctors the way they used to.

Bring back the Martian Manhunter with the classic head!

2009-01-02T08:34:00.011-05:00

I have good reasons for wanting this, so let me explain.

It is important to have Martians in any comics universe, especially green Martians. Nowadays people may find the concept of Martians to be, well, quaint, but they hold an important place in science fiction history. The idea of Mars attacking Earth goes back to the 19th century (H.G. Wells) and is one of the core concepts of science fiction (invasion from beyond).

Any company that deals with fantasy and science fiction and values its history should have Martians. The Marvel Universe has Skrulls - green shape-shifting aliens with big chins - who might as well be Martians. The Image Universe has Robert Kirkman. The DC Universe has the Martian Manhunter, aka J'onzz J'onzz.

The Martian Manhunter has a long, confusing history. He's been around for over fifty years; according to the Wikipedia article his first appearance was in Detective Comics #225 (published in 1955). There are two articles about the Martian Manhunter - Wikipedia and DC Wikia. The Wikipedia article tries to describe the character's complete history, while the DC Wikia article makes no mention of the stuff that's been retconned out of existence.

To sum up: The Martian Manhunter is teleported through time and space to Earth by Dr. Mark or Saul Erdel, who either dies or nurses him back to health. After that he joins the Justice Experience, whatever that is, and becomes a founding member of the JLA. He either goes back to New Mars or doesn't. He rejoins the JLA, and later the JLI. He briefly gets his own series, written by the great John Ostrander.

He's an important part of JLA history. There's a rule that whenever you reboot the JLA you need to do a "Mars Attacks" story (except for Brad Meltzer, who opted for talking gorillas). And then there's the wonderful Burning Martian story, which briefly made Plastic Man into one of the most powerful characters in the DC Universe (for some reason that didn't last long). BTW: even though DC seems to want to pretend it never happened, I loved Joe Kelly’s run on the JLA. It was truly bizarre.

I'm unclear about what happens to the Martian Manhunter after that. Apparently his feelings get hurt, which makes his head grow to the size and shape of a giant pickle. He gets his own miniseries, which I didn't read. Forgive me for that. I lost the key to the money vault hidden under my house. He joins the Outsiders for an issue and then hangs out with Aquaman.

Now he's dead. Let me ask a question: how can you take a character who's been around for fifty years and kill him off in a few panels?

Look, there are characters who are stars: Superman, Batman, Geo Force. And then there's the supporting cast, the folks who don't have the juice for their own book. J'onnz J'onnz belonged to the supporting cast. It's always tempting to try to make the second bananas lead bananas, but it usually doesn't work out.

That's ok, because the Martian Manhunter is still interesting. I always liked him. He struck me as being depressed, which makes sense. If your world died you'd be depressed, too. I still can't figure out why DC gave him a ripe banana head, but I can live with it. Rebooting a character is one thing; as a veteran comic reader I'm used to that. It normally doesn't last, anyway.

Killing him off is something else. Having a 50 year old character die in a throwaway sequence, now that's depressing. After DC has moved on and Final Crisis is a footnote, they will regret killing the Martian Manhunter. What did his death mean, anyway? Writers used to show a villain's toughness by having her punch out Superman; now they kill people. There wasn't even any shock value to the death, because everyone knew it was coming.

Bring back the Martian Manhunter. The classic version. Because the classic action figure looks better. Much more rugged. Seriously: just because you don't know what to do with a character, that's no reason to kill him off. Give someone else a chance to figure it out.

Memoirs, comics and otherwise: good, bad and ugly

2009-01-01T09:25:00.020-05:00

Steven Grant has a column about comic trends he wants to see eradicated in 2009. You can read it here. For what it's worth (not much, really) I agree with him, but his rant about autobiographical comics really hit home. Here it is:

"Look, unless you risked life and limb escaping from a fascist dictatorship, ended the war in Bosnia, overcame an infantile craniectomy or discovered a cure for cancer, or you can express the mundane with rollicking irrepressible madcap humor, keep the details of your boring, pathetic life to yourself. Whatever you think you can pull off, Robert Crumb already did it so much better thirty years ago, especially when it comes to your sex life, which, baring something truly unusual like ritual castration, is just like everyone else's. And your decision to leave your day job moving mail around some insurance office to pursue your dream of becoming a famous cartoonist isn't nearly as inspirational as you think."

Yes. There are some great autobiographical comics (Maus, Persepolis, the aforementioned Robert Crumb, etc.) on the market; there are also way too many boring, fabricated, poorly written memoirs out there. When I reviewed graphic novels for KLIATT I dreaded the memoirs. Do teens really want to read the chronicles of yet another middle-aged Young Adult author who had a rough time in high school?

I don't hate memoirs; I read four last year. The problem isn't the genre, it's poor writing and market glut. Sometimes the writing is good and the source material just isn't all that interesting. The best example I can think of is Freddie and Me, by Mike Dawson. Mr. Dawson wrote a graphic novel about his love for the rock group Queen and his sister's fondness for George Michael. It's well-written, with nice art.

Here's the problem: nothing happens. It would be one thing if Mr. Dawson got thrown in jail for trying to jump on stage during a Queen concert, but he never even went to a Queen concert. He saw "We Will Rock You," the Queen rock musical. Judging from the reviews in library journals there are people out there who enjoyed Freddie and Me. Good for them; not my thing, though.

I did like Night of the Gun by David Carr. Mr. Carr's story of being an drug-fueled lunatic isn't unusual in this day and age, but the way he tells the story is riveting. That's because he's been writing for years (he currently works for The New York Times) and thus knows how to make the source material interesting. It's all about the writing, kids.

There's also Hero of the Underground, by Jason Peter. Mr. Peter made a lot of money playing football, and he spent it all on drugs. Reading this memoir is like stopping at a car crash to watch the paramedics break out the body bags; it shatters "the stupid actions per page" record. My favorite part of the book is when the author, accompanied by a pair of hookers, takes a private plane to rehab with a bunch of heroin and cocaine cunningly stuffed down his crotch.

And then there's I Was Told There'd Be Cake, by Sloane Crosley. Ms Crosley tries to be David Sedaris, and fails. She does wacky things so that she can write about them, and uses friends and loved ones as props in her quest for more source material. She comes across as mean and lazy, which I'm sure is unintentional on her part.

And, hey: when people say you can't make this stuff up, they're wrong. People make this stuff up all the time. Look at A Million Little Pieces, the book that broke Oprah's heart. The latest example is Angel at the Fence: The True Story of a Love that Survived, a true story that turned out not to be true.

For the record: I have no idea if the memoirs I'm talking about are true or not, and I'm not even sure it matters. Maybe memoir is so popular because it has all the hallmarks of good fiction: a person tries, fails, tries again. Lots of fiction nowadays (genre fiction excluded) is long on flowery imagery and precious characters and short on plot, so maybe memoirs are filling the void.

Or maybe we just like nosing around other people's lives.

2009 New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-31T14:35:00.014-05:00

New Year's Eve isn't one of my favorite holidays, mostly because I don't drink. Yes, it's a shame I won't be greeting January with another hangover, but there you go. Like most people I make lots of resolutions, which I am going to share with you, my vast audience. So here goes...

Goal #1: Practice yoga 4x per week.

Odds: I did it in 2008, so this is a gimmee. AUM.

Goal #1A: Do a handstand without the wall.

Odds: A broken neck is the last thing I need, so probably not.

Goal #2: Play golf once a week, weather permitting.

Odds: Maybe. I'll play, that's for sure. I took up golf again after a 20-year hiatus, and after a few snafus (don't ask), found myself enjoying the game. It helps that most people who play on public courses suck worse than me. It's a great way to catch up on bird-watching, too.

Goal #2A: Break 100 on a 18-hole golf course.

Odds: Pretty good, I think. It depends on whether I buy new clubs. My current clubs are so old the heads fly further than the balls.

Goal #3: Read 100 books - 50 novels, 50 graphic novels.

Odds: Unlikely. This is possible - I read 52 novels in 2004, for instance - but it means spending at least two hours a day reading. Who has the time? Well, I did, but that was back in 2004. I'm much busier now.

Goal #4: Spend 1,000 hours writing.

Odds: Unlikely. This year I spent 823 hours writing, which adds up to a little more than 15 hours per week. Yes, I kept count. I'm glad I did, because it taught me that tracking hours is overrated - it's easy to spend 3 hours rewriting the same page, but it's not productive. So for 2009, productivity is IN.

Goal #4A: Update this blog every day (365 posts, minimum).

Odds: Very likely, barring the unforeseen. This includes writing a novel, having a love-child, winning a million dollars in the lottery, and/or a total loss of interest. I don't think any of these scenarios are likely, although the last is possible.

Goal #4B: Freelance (send out two cover letters per week, minimum).

Odds: Again, very likely. One of the good things about tracking hours is that it helps develop a practice. I'm in the habit of sitting my ass down a few hours a day and writing. Now I just need to channel it towards more productive things.

Goal #4C: Quit my job and make a living freelancing.

Odds: Pipe dream. Hey, most people don't follow through on any of their resolutions.

Goal #5: Travel. Take at least two long trips out-of-state, one international trip.

Odds: Yeah, probably. The two out-of-state trips are a lock (Florida and Texas), but the international trip is trouble. I'm the type who likes reading travel books better than traveling. Maybe I'll go to England again; Japan would be cool.

See you in 2oo9!

How I spent my Christmas Loot, Part 2

2008-12-30T07:26:00.008-05:00

$50 gift card, B&N
~~$20 gift card, B&N~~ Zot!
$50 gift card, Best Buy
~~$30 gift card, Amazon.com~~

How I spent the $30 Amazon.com gift card...

El Borbah

I can tell this is going to be good just by looking at the cover. Plus, Black Hole is one of my favorite graphic novels ever.

Invincible

I love Invincible. I can't afford the individual issues so I buy the big-ass hardcovers once or twice a year, and it works out pretty well. Invincible has a large cast, and sometimes plot threads are left dangling for over a dozen issues. But that's ok because this book is never boring. Robert Kirkman (the writer) crams as much as possible into each and every one of his issues. He will do one-issue stories, another point in his favor. I read lots of very good comics where not much happens in the individual issues because the creators are writing for the trade format.

Invincible has lots of plot, but this book is really all about the characters. Plotting isn't Kirkman's thing. The Walking Dead, for instance, has no plot at all. Let me rephrase that: all the plot threads in The Walking Dead are red herrings. All Kirkman does is introduce characters and then kill them off. Some stick around longer than others, but they're all going to die. Once the reader figures that out, there's no reason to read any further, unless you want to see how a certain character dies. As long as the book does well, why change the formula?

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about Invincible. Great superhero book - bright colors, big cast, lots of action, all kinds of funny. Definitely worth picking up.

Marvel Brainstorming Ideas for 2009

2008-12-29T07:11:00.005-05:00

The Punisher kills those responsible for the newest Punisher movie.
More Luke Cage lovin' in The New Avengers!
Venom gets sick at an all-you-can-eat buffet in Chinatown.
Skrull Jarvis and the Cage Baby star in their own miniseries, driving around the Marvel Universe in a Studebaker.
Norman Osborn gets his own reality show.
Spider-Man has no job, no money and no luck with girls.
Rulk becomes the leader of the Red Lanterns.
Wolverine joins yet another super hero team.
The Sentry bawls like a baby.
The Thunderbolts become proud sponsors of a fine malt liquor.
Marvel 615: the mini-series!
More Twittering Marvel creators.
Another Daredevil girlfriend bites the dust.
~~Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch finish their Fantastic Four run~~ Won't be done till 2013.
Agents of Atlas debuts.
Agents of Atlas cancelled.
Nick Fury becomes head of the NRA.
More Skrulls shot in the head, to the delight of all.
The Marvel Zombies go to Disney World.
Spider Woman's costume auctioned off on eBay to highest bidder.
2010 census reveals 198,000 remaining mutants. This continuity stuff is harder than it looks, says Marvel.
No more Marvel Apes. Please.

DC Brainstorming Ideas for 2009

2008-12-28T08:10:00.007-05:00

Krypto eats Lois Lane, forcing Superman into space.
More bondage cheesecake covers, to outrage and titillate.
Bring in Nicholas Cage to write Superman.
Switch creative teams after every story arc.
More gladiator-style battles for The Teen Titans.
Reboot to issue #1 every six issues to keep fan interest high.
~~The new Batman is...Bruce Wayne.~~ No wait, that's 2010.
More blacked-out swear words, because the kids love 'em!
Finish Final Crisis (hopefully). Lay background for Final Final Crisis.
More late books.
Watchmen 2: The Comedian's Revenge!
Another brutal, pointless death to stoke fan outrage. Because it's better to be hated than ignored!
Aquaman gets caught in a tuna net and... We killed him already.
Bring in characters from other companies, because they were so popular the first time around.
Flip a coin to decide who will be the new Flash. If the fans don't like the new Flash, flip coin again. Repeat as often as necessary.
Another universe-shattering crisis, to fray the fans' already shattered nerves!
Populate the JLA with third and fourth stringers. Watch sales plummet faster than the stock market.
The Fifth World collapses on the Fourth World, squashing it flat.
Bring back the Martian Manhunter with the classic head.
More Woozy Winks.
Another failed Legion of Super Heroes reboot!

How I spent my Christmas Loot, Part 1

2008-12-27T16:07:00.013-05:00

$50 gift card, B&N
~~$20 gift card, B&N~~
$50 gift card, Best Buy
$30 gift card, Amazon.com

What I bought with the $20 B&N gift card...

Zot!

This looks good. Sci-fi teen angst is always fun. Plus, its got monkeys!

I bought Zot! at B&N because the comic stores in my area wrap the graphic novels in plastic so you can't browse; if you pick up a comic they want to know if you're going to buy it. Plus, the selection isn't all that great. They don't even have Judge Dredd.

So I went to B&N, which doubles as the local hangout. In the suburbs there's three ways to spend the night out: you can go to the Outback Steakhouse, see a movie at the multiplex or go to B&N. Oh, and you can bring your laptop and beret to Starbucks and pretend to be an artist, so I guess that's four things.

A close second...

B&N's graphic novel section sucks, too, but at least they don't care if you browse. It was between Zot! and The Mammoth Book of Best Crime Comics. I chose Zot! because I liked the cover better; I'm sophisticated that way. The Mammoth Book of Best Crime Comics looked like it had some nice gushy parts, so maybe I'll buy it next time. Stay tuned.

Dark Knight Review - 6 Months Late

2008-12-26T22:10:00.007-05:00

Yes, I know this is six months late, but I have a thing about superhero movies. I don't watch them. I'm too fond of the source material, and since the studios usually screw it up, as a rule I don't even bother. I haven't seen the X-men movies, or the Spider Man movies, or the Hulk movies. My favorite superhero movie is Superman 2.

I saw The Dark Knight on Christmas night with a big group of relatives. I missed some of the dialogue because I was surrounded by people slurping coffee and stuffing their craws with pie and asking 'which one's Batman?' And then two of my relations got into an argument about whether Independence Day was the best movie of all time. They were liquored to the gills, as you can imagine.

OK, onto the movie. BTW, this review has spoilers, so if you are one of the three people on Earth who didn't see it, don't read this.

SPOILER ALERT

The Dark Knight was long, but didn't drag. Very very intense movie. I'm a bit shocked it made a half billion dollars; it's not for kids. If I saw this movie as a kid it would have scared the hell out of me. Great performance by Heath Ledger; when you're menacing in a nurse costume, you've done your job. Liked Batman's gadgets; loved his motorcycle; adored the part where he flipped the truck.

The Dark Knight espouses an extremely conservative philosophy. Batman is a fascist. He breaks all sorts of laws. He uses torture to get information from people, and eavesdrops on the public on a massive scale. These are all contemporary issues (see: Waterboarding and The Patriot Act); and unlike the people who run our government, Batman is competent.

The Joker represents total freedom, i.e. anarchy. He exists to break rules. He isn't evil; when he tells Harvey Dent that killing Rachel wasn't personal, I believe him. He has a philosophy; if you strip away the veneer of civilizaton, people will reveal their true natures. Harvey Dent is the Joker's test case. Like all of us, he has two faces: inner and outer. In the end, one wins and the other loses.

Whoa, I'm rambling. Bottom line: great movie but need to see it again, without the relatives.

The Worst SuperHero Movie Ever?

2008-12-25T08:32:00.005-05:00

The Critics Speak Through teh Internets:

The Spirit one of the worst movies of the year...New York Daily News

Don't Waste Money on The Spirit... San Francisco Chronicle

"Frank Miller’s version of The Spirit sneaks into theaters almost unnoticed on Christmas Day—good thing, too." The Village Voice

"What the hell were they thinking?" Ain't It Cool News

"Burdened with dank atmosphere, creaky plot, campy acting, sluggish pace and clunky dialog, this Spirit sags from start to finish" Wired

"To ask why anything happens in Frank Miller's sludgy, hyper-stylized adaptation...may be an exercise in futility." NY Times

“The Spirit is mannered to the point of madness. There is not a trace of human emotion in it. To call the characters cardboard is to insult a useful packing material.” Roger Ebert

Happy Holidays!

Encephalo Reviews

2008-12-24T14:56:00.015-05:00

New Avengers #48

What happens: The Avengers regroup. The search for Skrull Jarvis and the Luke Cage/Jessica Jones baby goes nowhere fast. Luke Cage makes a deal with the devil. A garbage truck falls on Jessica Jone's head (Note: this didn't happen, but it might next issue).

Thoughts:

Why do the characters Bendis likes suffer so?
Line of the week: put beer in your temple.
I'm pretty sure shooting a Skrull in the head violates the Geneva Conventions.
I want a Jessica Jones action figure for Christmas.
New Avengers is still a good read.

10 Best Comics of 2008

2008-12-23T07:24:00.008-05:00

The best comics/graphic novels I've read in 2008, in alphabetical order...

Captain Britain and MI13, by Paul Cornell. Marvel. British superhero fare. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Cat-Eyed Boy, by Kazuo Umezu. Viz. Monster manga featuring great art and oodles of monsters. What more could anyone want?

Coraline, by Neil Gaiman. HarperCollins. Coraline walks through a bricked-up door and ends up in an alternate world, where she meets her Other Mother. Great story, creepy art.

Fables: The Good Prince, by Bill Willingham. DC/Vertigo. FlyCatcher loses the frog hat and grows up, just in time.

Guardians of the Galaxy, by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning. Marvel. Features characters such as Groot, the Talking Tree; Kosmo, The Telepathic Dog; Bug, who can make himself real small; and Rocket Raccoon, space commando, weapon specialist, ass-kicking raccoon.

Incredible Hercules, by Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente. Marvel. The adventures of Hercules and Amadeus Cho, the seventh smartest person in the Marvel Universe.

Into the Volcano, by Don Wood. Blue Sky Press. Surprisingly intense graphic novel about a boy and his brother, descending into the heart of a volcano. Lush, lovely art.

Life Sucks, by Jessica Abel. First-Second. The trials & tribulations of Dave Miller, vampire, who is doomed to an afterlife of endlessly rotating the hot dogs and restocking the pork cracklins.

Skim, by Mariko and Jillian Tamaki. Groundwood Books. A high school chronicle that manages to avoid the usual cliches and doesn't wrap everything up in a neat bow.

Too Cool to be Forgotten, by Alex Robinson. Top Shelf. Andy Wicks goes under hypnosis to try and quit smoking and ends up back in high school.

Is Godzilla Male or Female?

2008-12-22T07:31:00.010-05:00

When you've seen as many Godzilla movies as me the question comes up: is Godzilla male or female? It's hard to tell because they never show that part of Godzilla's body; I guess if they did they would have to give the movie an R rating. I looked at my Godzilla action figure but there's nothing there. Which leads to the next question: does Godzilla even have genitals?

I believe he does (please note that I will alternate the use of his/her throughout, so as not to be provocative). My best guess is that Godzilla's genitals are hidden at the base of her tail. That way they are protected and Godzilla can flatten anyone who tries to get near them.

So let's assume that Godzilla does have genitals. The question remains: male or female?

Sexually frustrated?

I think that Godzilla is male, but that is just my opinion. It is certainly open to debate. She is certainly sexually frustrated. Godzilla roams great distances, seeking companionship. His mighty roars are obviously designed to impress potential mates. The fact that she attacks buildings could mean that she sees them as rivals, or even partners that need to pummeled into submitting to her sexual urges.

The fact that Godzilla has never exhibited any nesting tendencies or laid an egg would point to her being male. On the other hand: Godzilla's protective attitude towards Godzilla, Jr. could be seen as a mother's love for his child. Also: I've never seen Godzilla try to mount a building or a rival monster. This can be explained by the fact that any females of Godzilla's species would emit pheremones. This must be the answer, because - let's face it - Godzilla isn't smart enough to tell the difference, otherwise.

Rival or sexual partner?

Please note that this essay does not include the 1998 remake, where Godzilla was female. I do my best to pretend that they never made that movie, and anyway Toho retconned that monster into Zilla. Zilla was female in the movie, but that doesn't mean much as some reptiles have the ability to change their sex.

Ole' Tuna Breath

This leads to another interesting question: If Godzilla and Zilla met, would they fight or would they mate? Zilla is certainly large enough, but since they are different species - mutated dinosaur vs. mutated iguana - my guess is that they would fight. More later.

Secret Invasion: Why the Skrulls' Battle Plan Sucked

2008-12-21T09:27:00.009-05:00

I haven't read much about Secret Invasion in the BlogO'Sphere. Augie de Blick has a nice write-up in one of his Pipeline columns which you can read here, but I haven't seen too many other Secret Invasion post-mortems.

I hear lots about how Batman R.I.P. and Final Crisis suck, which is good for DC if you subscribe to the "any publicity is good publicity" theory. I myself can't say whether Batman R.I.P. and Final Crisis suck because I'm not reading these books; unfortunately I'm not rich. Too bad.

Price tag: $85.74

Secret Invasion I did read. The meat of the story is Secret Invasion #1-8, New Avengers #40-47 (N.A. #48 is part of the story but hasn't come out yet) and Mighty Avengers #12 -20. I read these issues in one setting yesterday.

In general: I liked Secret Invasion. The first issue was the best of the bunch; it came roaring out of the gates. Of course I have quibbles: things got bogged down in The Savage Land, and Marvel easily could have cut the series down to six issues. But why rant about that?

The thing that upset me most about Secret Invasion was how badly the Skrulls bungled things. Seriously. The Skrulls are terrible world conquerers; their battle plan sucked. Here's what they should have done.

Replace Tony Stark. If you replace Tony with a Skrull you've won the game. Yes, replacing him would be totally obvious, and that's why the Skrulls would do it. Tony is the most powerful man on Earth; the question really is, why wouldn't The Skrulls replace him? Skrull Tony could send The Avengers on a mission to the Negative Zone or the dark side of the moon just before the invasion. Skrull Tony knows the name, address and personal details of every registered superhuman in the U.S.A. Don't you think the Skrulls would want to make use of that?
Replace every world leader on Earth. They could make Earth's military forces stand down. They could fake a world war, or a subprime mortgage meltdown, with the Skrulls descending from space at the last minute to act as Earth's "saviors."
Scuttle the Super Human Registration Act. The last things the Skrulls want is for Earth's superhumans to militarize. Yes, Civil War tore the superhuman community apart, but it ended up stronger, more organized and under the leadership of one of the smartest humans on Earth.
Subvert the Initiative. The Skrulls' plan to subvert the Initiative - which consisted of replacing a member in every team and yelling 'surprise!' when the Invasion started - failed utterly. The Initiative produced a number of trained superhumans, many of whom helped overthrow the Skrull invasion.
Kill Reed Richards. Since the success of the Skrulls' plan hinges on their ability to remain undetectable it's arguable that killing Reed Richards, the one person capable of spoiling that, is the single most important thing they could do. What's this capturing him business? If you want a show trial and live execution just clone him. It boils down to this: if he's dead he can't hurt you.
Make more Super Skrulls. Lots more Super Skrulls. I'm assuming the ratio of Super Skrull to superhuman is about equal. Why not just create 10,000 Super Skrulls? BTW: I don't see how a handful of Earth superhumans could have beaten the Skrulls, anyway. The Skrulls are a proud Warrior Race. If they can't beat a few hundred superpowered humans, what good are they? They're also religious fanatics - what's with the surrendering?
Nuke New Jersey. Look, it doesn't have to be Jersey (I live there). If the Skrulls can fly through interstellar space they certainly have Weapons of Mass Destruction. Why not use them, as a show of intimidation?

Doctor Who Update

2008-12-20T09:06:00.004-05:00

What with the snowstorm and all, got to watch four Dr. Who episodes last night.

Santa Aliens

The Parting of the Ways (Season One). The Daleks kill everybody but The Doctor, Rose and Captain Jack. They also demolish the Earth. Besides that, everything ends happily. The Doctor regenerates into David Tennant.

The Christmas Invasion (Special). The Doctor has regeneration issues, as he always does. Santa aliens try to kill Rose & her family with a remote control Christmas tree. Aliens invade Earth for the ten billionth time, and The Doctor stops them for the ten billionth time.

New Earth (Season Two). Cat nuns. Disease-carrying zombies loose in a futuristic hospital. Rose gets possessed, shows cleavage.

Tooth and Claw (Season Two). A werewolf tries to bite Queen Victoria. We are not amused.

Thoughts...

Didn't get the climax of "Parting of the Ways." If it's as simple as opening the Tardis' hood, why didn't The Doctor just do it?
Someone dies in every episode. It's like the old Star Trek episodes, with the red shirts. They didn't use to kill off characters like that.
I don't understand all the dialogue. Not sure if it's the accents or my crappy T.V. set.
My favorite episode was Tooth and Claw; I thought it was the tightest episode of the bunch. New Earth was good, too.
So far, I like Christopher Eccleston (Doctor Number Nine) better than David Tennant (Doctor Number Ten). That might not be fair as I think the first few episodes of the second season might have been written with Christopher Eccleston in mind.

Encephalo Reviews

2008-12-19T14:07:00.020-05:00

Invincible Iron Man #8

Plot: Tony Stark hands over the keys to Planet Earth to Norman Osborn, certified lunatic. Since Tony doesn't want Norman to get his hands on the SuperHuman Registration Database he downloads it into his brain. Norman finds out and gets mad.

Passing Thoughts:

*Norman Osborn looks like Richard Nixon on p. 28. If I owned a scanner I would scan the picture.

*I like how Spider Man is the first entry Norman tries to access.

*Since "World's Most Wanted" is a multi-issue storyline, not a lot happens here. Iron Man's armor malfunctions and we get to see the new H.A.M.M.E.R. logo.

*I can wait for this to come out in trade format.